A BIT O' PAMPERING AND THE ODD SH*G

sh*g no more

2006-09-21T07:49:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow, it will be two years to the day since I started this blog. What better a time to finish it.

I chose the title “A Bit Of Pampering…etc” because I thought it was funny, because I thought it was different, and, ok, I’ll admit it, because it began with the letter “A” and I hoped it would rank high on other blogger’s alphabetical link lists.

Once a week on my “bitesize bullets” post I do a thing where I show you some of the funnier google searches which were used to create a hit on my blog.

What you don’t see are some of the sick permutations using the word “sh*g” that get here. And some of those posts are about members of my family. All it takes for the searches to get here, as I’m sure most of you know, is the numerous words to be there somewhere on a particular page, in no particular order.

Even so, I don’t like people like that finding their way here that way on a regular basis, so it’s time to call it a day. Sorry, but putting the asterisk in won’t cut it.

But if you think a few sick bastards are going to stop me blogging altogether, you can sh*g off ;-)

Thanks for all your hits and comments up to now. Long may they continue wherever I may end up in the Blogosphere.

bitesize bullets

2006-09-18T08:34:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
THINGS ARE GONNA START LOOKIN MIGHTY DIFFERENT ROUND HERE…

• SUMMARY : Last Wednesday I blogged about a ludicrous protocol at the US Embassy. Then over on my Irish-specific blog, I commented on the new leader of the PD party, then I praised Gay Byrne for doing his job. Over the weekend I did two “sports shorts” posts to catch up.

• PRAISE: A highlight of my recent wedding celebration was my new brother-in-law John’s excellent depiction of the dance from the FatBoy Slim video “Praise You”. It must have been the cocktails that inspired him. We all tried our best to join in.

• RADICAL : As I suggest in my pre-amble, prepare for things to start looking quite different in JL Pagano BlogWorld. It’s high time I mixed things up a little. Hopefully it will all work out ok.

• QUESTIONABLE: Considering how well the Catholic Church handled his accession from a PR standpoint, I’d be very surprised if Pope Benedict XVI made a mistake by causing offence in the extremist Muslim community with his recent comments. If I’m right, I can’t for the life of me see how it helps.

• LYRICAL :
“Lots of girls and lots of boys
Lots of smells and lots of noise
Playing football in the park
Kicking Pushbikes after dark”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• SPEECH: Thanks to everyone who complimented my wedding speech. I gave a sneak preview of the text, publishing it before I went to the church. Here’s a pic of me getting through it. For the record, the best man’s speech WAS very funny after all, in fact everyone did well.

• OSSIFIED… : …is the Irish Slang Word O’ The Week. You know the way the Eskimos have about twenty different words for “snow”? Well the Irish are the same when it comes to “drunk”, with ossified, langered, fluthered, twisted, locked, stocious, pallatic, legless, pissed and rat-arsed to name but a few.

• COMPLETE: “A weekly marvel. A brilliantly written hour-long fantasy about what The White House might be like if honour and intellectual brilliance ever trumped cupidity and mediocrity” An excellent description of The West Wing taken from the DVD cover of Series 4, to commemorate the release of the final Series 7.

• STATWATCH : During my little break from posting, my various blogs passed the 35,000 hit barrier since May 2005, and the total now stands at 38,179. I’d trade them all to know who was reading my blog from Los Osos, California! I’m intrigued to find out if it’s someone I know!

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“frank lampard wedding September 2006”

“odd looking bullets”

“my fiancée is a bigot and a racist”

“lyrics of fairytale of roy keane”

“there’s a hole in the bucket, video, muppet”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

“Google phrases of the week” and “Statwatch” courtesy of StatCounter.com

“Irish Slang Word O’ The Week” courtesy of “The book of feckin’ Irish Slang that’s great craic for cute hoors and bowsies”

it’s SO not about the money

2006-09-13T16:11:00.000+01:00

First I’d like to thank everyone who has offered both congratulations and commiserations over the past few weeks; it has meant a lot to me.

Trust me, I would really like to resume to normal posting as soon as possible, but I have had problems with my broadband since the weekend which have only just been resolved. I’d like to post about something unbelievable that happened to me the other day.

All I had to do was call the US Embassy here in Dublin and report my grandmother’s death so I could stop her Social Security payments. I really honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Well, of course I was, but I still get angry when I think about the conversation that took place.

I chose my title for this post very carefully. This is really not about the money whatsoever. I hope having read what transpired you will see where I am coming from.

After reporting my grandmother’s passing to the Federal Benefits Division, the lady very kindly expressed her condolences, and after calling up her Social Security Number on her computer she remarked that she had reached a grand old age, which at 97, of course she had.

Then I was asked for the date of death. August 31st was my truthful reply.

Immediately I was informed that since she had died before the end of August, even though it was a matter of hours before, she had to forego ALL of her Social Security benefits for that calendar month, and since it had already been paid by direct debit, this lady on the phone had to inform me that in a few days her office would be reaching into my grandmother’s bank account and taking the money back.

Once again I must stress, it’s not about the money, nor is my annoyance directed at this lady in particular for I understand she was just doing her job.

Surely, in this day and age, in the 21st century, considering that you are dealing with what is supposedly the most powerful and civilized nation in the world, you would expect some kind of protocol in place whereby people reporting the death of family members can be treated with a bit of compassion?

Already I have thought of several different ways it the situation could have been handled, and I have received absolutely NO training in this area.

OK – if it was about the money, how many civil servants would it take to get a calculator and work out the differential to the day? But it isn’t about the money, like I said.

The one thing that really annoys me is that I know someone else out there with a bit more knowledge of the system would be able to declare the first of the month as the date of death and not have to go through this at all.

So why didn’t she ask me for a copy of the death certificate? You can be sure if my phone call was to claim money back off Uncle Sam she would have asked for it!

Even if reclaiming the money for August were absolutely necessary, what she could have done was request that I mail in or fax a copy of the certificate, THEN outline in a letter the reasons why the money needs to be reclaimed. This way, a phone call that is difficult to make in the first place isn’t made ten times harder.

Or alternatively, they could allow for a two-week waiting period when payments begin, which will mean they cannot be paid in advance and thus need not be reclaimed, unless the death is reported long after the fact.

Any beaurocracy worth its salt should appreciate my timely notification, no matter what the subject matter.

I was left feeling like it was the stupidest thing I could have possibly done.

the month of remembrance

2006-09-05T08:18:00.000+01:00

Please forgive me for this post – it is not my wish to bring anyone down, it’s just that I want to continue my blogging hobby and I don’t want to do so while pretending nothing has happened over the past week.

I suppose it would be wise to inform those who may not know that my grandparents brought me up as their son.

The month of August, particularly the end of it, will always be one of remembrance for my family.

August 20th, 1936

My grandparents are married in Nashua, New Hampshire.

August 21st, 1913

My grandfather is born.

August 22nd, 2004

I propose to Sandra.

August 24th, 1977

My grandparents and I say our last farewells to most of our friends as we make final preparations to emigrate from the Bay Area of California all the way to Ireland.

August 26th, 2006

On the happiest day of my life, Sandra and I are married in front of friends and most of my family.

August 27th, 2004

My grandfather passes away peacefully in his sleep at the age of 91.

August 28th, 2002

My grandmother writes the above note and leaves it by her bedside. Please note the impeccable penmanship for (at the time) a 93-year old lady.

August 29th, 1992

I married my first wife.

August 30th, 2006

That same first wife, the only other person* I had in Ireland to be a contact person for my grandmother’s nursing home, has the unenviable task of calling me while on my honeymoon in New York to tell me she had deteriorated much over the previous 24 hours, and that we should change our flights if I wanted to be with her at the end.

August 31st, 2006

My grandmother passed away quiety and painlessly at the grand age of 97. We successfully changed our flights, but touched down 45 minutes before she was gone, so we did not quite make it to her bedside. At the very least, she was not unattended.

The funeral was yesterday. As much as my grandparents both loved me and were proud to carry out the challenge of bringing me up, because of the generation gap, it could be said that they never properly understood me, and of course vice versa. For me, the silver lining of recent events is that I know now they both understand me perfectly, and will watch over me and my family for the rest of our own days on this earth.

May they both rest in peace.

* = I must note that Sandra’s immediate family would have been more than willing to be available for my grandmother, but we felt it best to ask MyX because hers was a face that would be recognized more readily, plus she is mother to her two great-grandchildren.

hold all my calls...

2006-08-26T08:18:00.000+01:00

Let's see - how can I involve my blog readers in my wedding, which happens to be today?

Not enough?

OK - how 'bout I let you guys get an exclusive preview of my wedding speech?

Hi everyone –

Most people who know me are well used to my making horrendous puns for cheap laughs, so I thought maybe I’d show a different side of myself and leave the funny stuff to my best man (no pressure, Ian, honest!).

First, thank you all for joining us on what has been so far an amazing day. There’s no better way to enjoy a great occasion than having friends and family around you, and we’re both delighted you could all be with us.

I’d like to give a special thanks to the Unitarian Church for their wonderful ceremony. We have attended several of their services over the past year, and though I’ll admit I’m not the most religious person in the world, I have to say it’s refreshing to see that spirituality and open-mindedness can go hand in hand.

There are of course those who could not be with us today whom I’d like to mention briefly. First there is my poor grandmother who was sadly not well enough to attend. I know she would have given anything to be here and we can be sure her prayers were with us all the way.

Then there is my mother, who was unable to make the trip from San Francisco mostly due to the fact that she has done so much to help us out with Grandma’s care, and we are both immensely grateful for this and wish she could be here today.

Finally there is my grandfather whose 2nd anniversary happens to fall tomorrow. I know for sure he’s having a pint of the black stuff up there on our behalf!

I also have to mention my father Mark and his lovely wife Vickie, who have flown all the way from Oregon to be with us today. Thank you both so much for coming, you have no idea what it means to all of us that you could make it!

Up to now although I’ve lead a happy life, I’ve always tended to do things with this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that whatever I was doing wasn’t really what I wanted to do. However there are TWO main exceptions to this rule.

The first has been my role as father to my two wonderful children, Rebecca and Christopher. I don’t want to embarrass them too much, but I have to say I’m proud as anything to be their Daddy, and have been from day one.

And then there’s this lovely vision on my left.

I hope you all take the opportunity today to tell Sandra how beautiful she looks, for this could very well be the only day she’ll ever let you! She’s a lot like myself - we don’t do compliments well!

Although it was a bit long, I chose the second reading because it focused on Friendship. I’d love to say I picked up the passage from my extensive reading but I have to confess I actually got from an episode of the TV show Friends!

Anyway – as well as all the clear attraction I have always had for Sandra, I have to say I have never met anyone to whom I feel this close, and she has literally made me feel this way from the very start. We have had our ups and downs, but no matter what we always remained friends. For me, that is what makes us work. It has also helped that I have been made feel so welcome by both Rita and John, and I’m immensely proud to see our families come together today.

Just to warn you folks – I’m going to get a bit corny here, but this is something I’ve been dying to say to her, and she’ll know exactly what I mean, and I guess that’s all that counts!

Sandra, thank you so much for everything you have brought to my life and the lives of my family, and I can’t wait to spend my future with you and together I know we really can reach for the stars.

To Sandra [toast]

Thank you all again.

Still not enough?

Too bad.

See you in a couple of weeks.

bitesize bullets

2006-08-21T22:28:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
MY LAST DAYS OF FREEDOM…

• WEIGHT : It’s starting to look as though my pre-wedding Battle With The Bulge is going to end in a tie. Though it hasn’t gone up since I started measuring a few weeks ago, it hasn’t gone down either. Oh, well.

• DISTRACTION: Isn’t it extremely convenient that all of America is talking about a 10-year old murder case when much more important things are happening in Iraq, Lebanon, and most importantly for me, the upcoming elections where Dubya was due to get a pasting. So much for prevalent Liberal media bias.

• LINK : Absolutely no contest for my link shout-out this week – fellow blogger Rinceoir kindly included my blogs in his “Why Link?” series. Much appreciated sir! Check out his Tiny Timid Thoughts when you have the chance.

• JUSTICE: For all Irish people who presume the 11 people charged for involvement in the recent airport scares, I have two words - BIRMINGHAM SIX. To those who think that makes me sympathetic to terrorism, I say you are full of it, for I believe it makes me sympathetic to justice.

• NINETY… : …is my Irish Slang O’ The Week, though it must be used in association with the word “craic” which I explained a good while ago. Basically the term “the craic was ninety” means “we had a helluva good time”. Don’t ask me why.

• W*NKERS!: Though it definitely went on for too long, this year’s British Big Brother was the best so far, and congratulations to Pete Bennett for both winning the contest and raising awareness for Tourette’s Syndrome.

• LYRICAL : "Beauty i'd always missed
With these eyes before,
Just what the truth is
I can't say anymore.

'cause i love you,
Yes, i love you,
Oh, how, i love you.
Oh, how, i love you."

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• FLICK: I recently saw One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest for the first time. As well as Nicholson’s excellence, I was surprised by how many other names were in it that went on to better things – Danny deVito, Christopher Lloyd, and Brad Dourif, aka Grima Wormtongue from Lord of the Rings.

• ONE-TRACK-MINDS : There must be something in the water this week – check out the Google phrases of the week! I think I should seriously consider a new title for my blog – the word “shag” has gotta go!

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“shag games”

“her first shag”

“how long does a good shag last?”

“instructions on how to shag properly”

“humans shagging”

“horny mother in law”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

they must be lonesome every night

2006-08-18T09:52:00.000+01:00

And there was me thinking blogging was the world’s most wonderful waste of time.

First we have a bunch of space nerds convening to determine whether or not Pluto is actually a planet. I mean – WHY? Is it for some commercial rezoning purpose so that they can open a Starbucks out there?

Anyway – according to Reuters’ Oddly Enough files, we seem to have something that takes the biscuit. Can you believe that someone is sad enough to be bothered with this?

It's now or never: find Elvis for $3 million

Have you seen the king? As the 29th anniversary of his death passes, a $3 million (1.6 million pounds) reward is being offered for anyone who finds Elvis Presley alive.

U.S. writer, actor and filmmaker Adam Muskiewicz says he and a producer friend set up the website www.elviswanted.com mostly for publicity and to get the public involved in an independent documentary exploring the myth that Elvis is still alive.

"The hoaxing of Elvis Presley's death is the biggest myth in the history of pop culture. Does it have any merit? What are the facts behind it?" the site asks. The film and site aim to explore persistently popular rumours that Elvis did not die on August 16 1977, but may have gone into hiding.

Well, if nothing else, it gives me a chance to satisfy my need to create groan-inducing puns ad nauseum.

I presume if anyone did come forward with an Elvis, the people offering this reward would have Suspiscious Minds, and if you are found out, you may well end up In The Ghetto or at worst, doing the Jailhouse Rock. To those who may consider this, I say Don’t Be Cruel. Although I Just Can’t Help Believin’, and the King’s whereabouts is Always On My Mind, and often has me Crying In The Chapel, even a Fool Such as I wouldn’t believe anyone who claimed to see him, so their correspondence would have to be marked Return To Sender.

Ok I’m done. I guess it was all Too Much. Sorry, but the whole thing has me All Shook…OK! I’ll stop!!!!!

bitesize bullets

2006-08-14T08:38:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR…

• RECOVERING : The stag weekend in Westport was perfect in my book. Of course there were a few drawbacks, but I had a blast, and I’m very grateful to the lads who came along and made it so. Tradition prevents me from blogging about particulars, however…

• RENTAL: If you liked The Matrix you will enjoy V for Vendetta, though you may need to bone up of the whole Guy Fawkes thing first to get what it’s about. Ironically I saw it for the first time the night all the airport scares were happening.

• LINK : For my link shout-out this week I have to thank Phillipa for adding me to her blogroll on her daily News Planet. As you can see I have done likewise.

• BUSHBASHING: "Apparently the Dixie Chicks had to cancel 14 shows on their tour, because of slow ticket sales. There's some concern they're losing their fan base. How ironic is that? They finally have something in common with President Bush." -- Jay Leno

• MUPPET : …is my Irish Slang Word O’ the Week though I think it is common all over England as well. To make it Irish you’d best stick the word “bleedin” before it. It’s a mildly derogatory term which calls both a person’s intelligence and competence into question.

• TUNES: Intelligence, Humour, Musical Talent. All combined in the works of sheer genius Tom Lehrer. His greatest hits adorn my car cassette deck. My personal all-time favourite is “Poisoning Pigeons In The Park”. Guaranteed to cheer you up if you have a slightly demented streak like me!

• WEIGHT : Considering I’m just back from a weekend of beer, curry, beer, Pringles, beer and more beer, I’m quite proud of the fact that my weight has stayed the same since last week. I’d very much like to see it start going down as of now, however.

• CURIOUS : Conspiracy theorists the world over will be intrigued by the news that NASA have reportedly “lost” the footage of the famous moon landing in 1969, which many people think was contrived to make it look like the USA were ahead in the Cold War/Space Race. Definitely a story worth following!

• LYRICAL :
“But sometimes man it just seems
Everybody only wants to dis-cuss me
So this must mean I'm dis-gusting
But it's just me I'm just obscene”

Who sang that? Check the comments for the answer.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“what does the irish word hooley mean”

“rugby drinking games involving cocktail sticks”

“kim cattral shaves”

“stories of when grandparents embarrass you”

“man who never knew son country music lyrics”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

“Google phrases of the week” courtesy of StatCounter.com

“Irish Slang Word O’ The Week” courtesy of “The book of feckin’ Irish Slang that’s great craic for cute hoors and bowsies”

no more sides

2006-08-11T07:38:00.000+01:00

Yet more fear at our airports.

Where will the airline restrictions stop?

Can’t a volatile liquid/detonator be easily concealed within a suicide bomber’s clothing?

Does this mean we have to travel naked or not at all?

Well let me make a few points perfectly clear.

I will NOT hold my tongue when I hear George W Bush make such ludicrous statements as “America is safer now than at 9/11”.

I will NOT let people like him force me to polarize my views to “side” with him in his so-called “war on terror”.

I will NOT be terrorized by extremists, whether they speak from from a bunker in Afghanistan, the White House, a mosque or Downing Street.

I will NOT allow my desire to give an open-minded appraisal to events be deterred by being dubbed a “conspiracy theorist”.

I will NOT let this bullshit ruin my honeymoon in New York in a few weeks.

I will NOT feel compelled to teach my children to be afraid.

For as long as you call someone your enemy, they will be.

bitesize bullets

2006-08-07T07:53:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
REMEMBER GEORGE GALLOWAY?…

• WEIGHT : Still no increase, but no decrease either in my bulk. The good news is, I survived a jog last Thursday morning, so hopefully I will be able to make that a habit for the weeks to come which should well help out my cause.

• PREPOSTEROUS… : …is defined as “contrary to nature, reason or common sense”, and is a word frequently used by George Galloway in his incredible interview with Anna Botting of Sky News over the weekend. You just simply have to watch this if you have any interest in the Lebanese situation.

• LANGER… : …is my Irish Slang O’ The Week as recommended by Dolores McCrumble a while ago (sorry it took so long – I’m working in alphabetical order!). A langer can either be the male reproductive organ or simply an idiot. Either way, not something you want to be called.

• RENTAL : Lucky Number Slevin is definitely worth a rental. Good plot, good twists and turns, good performances all round. I still felt something was missing, however, and maybe Tarantino behind the camera would have delivered it.

• LINK : This week’s Link shout-out goes to The Rambling Man for adding my Irish blog to his list recently. I was more than happy to return the favour.

• DOPES : The Justin Gatlin doping saga is the latest in a long line of scandals that make you wonder if we can ever take the sport of track and field athletics seriously again. Are the gold medals really going to the best, or the best at not getting caught?

• LYRICAL :

“Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know...
She tells herself, oh...
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along...
Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• TUNES : The latest cassette to inhabit my car stereo has been Genesis’ self-titled album from 1983, the year I discovered music. Tracks include “Mama” and “That’s All”, but it’s a solid work throughout.

• JOKE :

Little girl at her first wedding : “Mommy, why is the bride wearing white?”

Mother : “White is the colour of happiness, dear, and this is the happiest day of her life.”

Girl [ponders this for a moment] : “Then why is the groom wearing black?”

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“i am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame”

“mysterious nashua”

“wart ointment kilkenny”

“hiring ladies wear on qe2”

“sergeant peppers two ibiza spain”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

the mother of all battles

2006-08-02T08:08:00.000+01:00

I'm never averse to allowing a guest writer on my blog, and today is no exception. I wanted to write about the crisis in Lebanon, but then my mother showed me this piece she wrote and I figured it would be better to share it with you guys instead.

"Lebanon 2006: Déjà Vu All Over Again, Again" by Maura Lee August 1, 2006

A lesson cannot be learned if it is improperly understood, and it seems obvious from everything that’s been written from both sides of this sad and monstrous tale that the powers-that-be just do not get it.

The lesson of Viet Nam was that it is impossible to prevail over an indigenous popular opponent unless the invader/attacker is prepared to kill them all. Period.

That’s it – what part of this is unclear?

Regardless of the force of your fighting machine – whether you are using Fourth Generation warfare, Space Tools from DARPA, or Vulcan Martial Arts – you will fail, unless you are prepared to extinguish the lives of every man, woman, and child in the country you’ve chosen to attack, and unless you are capable of doing so with no exception.

Though they should be obvious, the reasons for this inevitable failure are as follows…

1. Regardless of how these people felt about you before you started to attack them, I guarantee that they’ll hate you once you start.
2. Paraphrasing Yoda, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering, suffering leads to thoughts of revenge.
3. Every capable native will do everything possible to fight you. This will mean different roles for different people – some will pick up arms, others will nourish the fighters, others will hide them in their home. Their feelings against you will unite them.
4. As much as you attempt to dehumanize them, as many lies that you tell and as often as you exploit the media, your brutality will be seen and remarked upon until one day you find that after fighting that much harder for that much little credibility, your efforts convince nobody but those among you who must also believe.
5. Your opponent has but to prevail to survive.
6. They are already home. It is for this home that they must fight.
7. It is you who must give up and leave.

It is truly frightening that for perhaps the first time in history, a military machine exists that is capable of obliterating an entire nation and with it, every man, every woman, and every child born and unborn.

Will it be used? Will we set aside our squeamishness and “cleanse the soil” so that it can bear fruit? Would we have any reason to believe that this new fruit would be our kind of fruit? Would we be capable, at that stage, of knowing what, exactly, would define our “kind of fruit”?

And yet, what is the point of having such an incomparable projection of power if you’re not able to use it?

What, indeed.

bitesize bullets

2006-07-31T09:06:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
MOVE OVER SPIELBERG…

• WEIGHT : I think I offset what gains I had by my diet by over-indulging in beer over the weekend. The scales still have me at X minus four, which means nothing lost this week. I want to see some results fast so it’s nose to the grindstone from now on.

• TUNES: How did I grow up missing the Stone Roses for God’s sake??? I got their greatest hits CD in a sale at the weekend and I couldn’t believe how many of the 15 tracks I recognised but never knew it was them. “Fools Gold” was the only one I knew.

• LYRICAL :
“Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh, this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives and I decline.”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• BUSHBASHING: He sent troops into Iraq for weapons that weren’t there, but when Israel and Hezbollah are firing the real thing at each other 24/7 with thousands of innocents needlessly slaughtered, he does nothing. And no, I don’t feel sending Neo-Condi out there to hold selective talks counts as doing something.

• KNACKER… : …is my Irish Slang O’ The Week and it can mean either our answer to a hillbilly or our answer to a “homey” or “chav”. A common yet unfortunate term for Dublin’s poorer suburbs is “Knacker-agua”. As a verb, however, to “be knackered” simply means to be very tired.

• DEBUT: Don’t say you haven’t been warned…that little movie I published on Sunday won’t be the last production from JLTV studios now I know how to manipulate both Windows Movie Maker and YouTube! The possibilities are endless. Be afraid, VERY afraid folks.

• JOKE : Two not-so-clever Eskimos were paddling along the icy river and decided they were even chillier than usual, so they lit a fire aboard their vessel. To their surprise, it sank. The moral of the story is : you can’t have your kayak and heat it too. Sorry.

• FLICK: “We accept the reality of the world with which we are presented, it's as simple as that.”
The Truman Show was on network TV last night. Ironically, this was a role that I feel Jim Carrey was born to play, with excellent support from Ed Harris.

• STATWATCH : A reader from Chatham in England happened by this blog last week and proved to be my 20,000th hit here since I started the counter in May ’05. Of course, the surfer’s prize is the honour of having where his internet server is located mentioned in my “bitesize bullets” feature.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“sâ˜…ï½‡ï½“ï½ï½”

“eligibility to play for republic of Ireland”

“how long does it take to get from castlecomer to Dublin”

“solitary occupations”

“stealing undies from washing line”

“do I let him shag me”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

disappear

2006-07-30T13:45:00.000+01:00

Just began messing around with Windows Movie Maker and YouTube. This took me ten minutes to put together. I have to warn you I could be addicted to doing this kind of stuff...

croc of old?

2006-07-26T10:33:00.000+01:00

Say what you like about people who work in legal circles – perhaps indeed they are on a gravy train born mostly from our misery, but from what little I’ve seen of the inside of a courtroom, its day-to-day running must surely be a perennial snoozefest.

Given that, just imagine how much enjoyment those in attendance at the Liverpool Crown Court would of gotten out of this case, as described by Ananova’s Quirky files.

Crocodile Gran

An 80-year-old woman re-created a scene from the film Crocodile Dundee to tackle a knife-wielding burglar.

Winifred Whelan, from Liverpool, was threatened in her home by a man brandishing a 10-inch knife.

The pensioner grabbed a larger carving knife from her kitchen before shouting: "That's not a knife, this is a knife!"

Mrs Whelan was quoting the famous line from Crocodile Dundee when the film's star Paul Hogan brandishes a hunting knife at a mugger.

She told a newspaper: "I said to the robber: "You call that a knife?" His was around 10 inches long and I had a carving knife measuring about 14 inches.

"I pointed it at his belly and said: 'This is a knife!'"

Two men were jailed at Liverpool Crown Court in connection with the incident, which happened last September.

Judging from the look on her face, she wouldn’t have hesitated to use the damn thing either. I reckon the two men will be happy to go behind bars to get away from her!

bitesize bullets

2006-07-24T13:34:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
I WONDER DOES ANYONE CHECK MY FIFTY WORD LIMIT…

• WEIGHT : So far so good with my plan to reach my goal weight for the wedding- where X is what I weighed last week, I’m currently at X minus four pounds. Still a lot of jogging and pumping iron and dodging delectable dishes left to do!

• BUSHBASHING: I was a bit alarmed to hear that there is a possibility that Florida governor Jeb Bush may run for President in 2008. I think twelve years of Bush rule is enough for everyone, don’t you? Jeb was in Dublin recently for a lecture and got a frosty welcome.

• JACKS… : …is my Irish Slang World O’ The Week and is a word used mainly in Dublin which refers to the men’s room. While I’m on the letter “J” I will also explain “jar” which means a pint of alcohol. “He’s been in the jacks all day after too many jars”

• FLICK: I finally got to see The Da Vinci Code, and I suppose I have to say that Ron Howard made as good a stab as anyone at putting it together. The only drawback, I found, is that there’s no way you could follow it had you not read the book.

• STAG : Americans call it a “bachelor party”. This side of a pond it’s a stag party, which over the years has become elongated to a stag weekend. Mine is going to be in Westport in County Mayo in mid August, and there will probably be 11 of us altogether going.

• TUNES: In my book the only “I used to be a pretty boy pop singer now please take me seriously” album that every actually worked, George Michael’s “Listen Without Prejudice Vol I” now occupies my car stereo.

• ATTENDANCE : The RSVPs are coming in thick and fast for the wedding, and we were delighted to learn that my father, whom I met for the first time only in 2003, will be flying over from Oregon with his wife for the day. My mother, unfortunately, won’t be coming.

• JOKE:
Top 3 Reasons Eminem's Wife Filed for Divorce

Sure, he talks and raps like a black man, but when he takes down his pants...

…Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman than Nicole SIMPSON…

...And The Top Reason. . .

Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggots!" while watching Ernie & Bert.

• LYRICAL :
“Let me tell you now
Everybody’s talking about
Revolution, evolution,
Masturbation, flagellation,
Regulations, integrations,
Meditations, United Nations,
Congratulations.”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“spider poop image”

“the general starring brendan gleeson”

“the away game socceroos lucas neill brokeback mountain”

“irish shag”

“pampering the rogue country pakistan”

“getting rubber bit guards on”

“scarleh wedding dress”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

shot to hell

2006-07-19T07:54:00.000+01:00

"...from this day until the ending of the world but we in it shall be remembered. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers, For he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother..."

William Shakespeare's 'King Henry V' : Act IV, Scene III

Say what you like about Steven Spielberg.

Whatever about his films, he has always retained an unerring talent for reaching out from his director’s chair right through the camera lens, through your television screen, and right down into your tear ducts, emptying everything inside – a volume of tears you never even knew was there.

A long time ago, since we share a similar taste for TV drama, a good friend of mine suggested I buy the DVD box set of “Band of Brothers". As I watched it unfold I realised it was based on a part of the American WWII campaign very close to the situation my grandfather found himself in when he served in military intelligence.

For some reason, however, despite the family interest, I found viewing the series from start to finish extremely tough going. It is only now that have been able to see the final few instalments, and I was particularly moved by episode 9 where the American batallion first came across a concentration camp in Germany.

I am and always will be a pacifist. If I have learned anything from my past few years of reflection on what it is that makes this life worth living, it’s that once you see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel of your own confusion, you should never take your eyes off of it.

Even with a well scripted, cast, acted and directed TV drama, I could barely come even close to understanding what my grandfather experienced in Europe.

What I do know is that if I can’t make head or tail of his actions since I came into his life, I should learn to let them be. Once fate offers you a future as it has done me, you must first find it in yourself to let go of your past.

Though I have been lucky enough to have avoided it up to now, I would venture a guess that war is something that takes what you previously understood to be reality and shoots it clean to hell.

Sure, the Nazis needed to be stopped. Sure, Saddam Hussein needed to be stopped. Sure, there will one day be a new enemy to fear, to loathe, to conquer. That still doesn't convince me that war has to be the final option without exception.

This subject is particularly relevant today as bombs rain down over Lebanon and northern Israel. For me, each side is as bad as the other, though it sickens me that the international community lends credibility to one side just because they are the military of a sovereign nation. In my book, they're all terrorists.

I suppose all we can really do is ponder the role of Extremism in our lives, and learn to understand it more.

To have an Extremist viewpoint is a human right.

To impose an Extremist viewpoint on others is and always will be a human tragedy.

bitesize bullets

2006-07-17T07:26:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
STOP BLOGGING? I WILL IN ME ARSE!…

• WEIGHT : The countdown to the wedding is nigh and my weight has become an issue yet again. Let’s call my weight this morning X and see how much under that I can go between now and the nuptials.

• TUNES: OK this is either totally cool or totally embarrassing. You decide. A while ago I came across my vinyl “collection”, most of which were ready for throwing out, but I did keep the first record I ever owned myself, ABBA the Album, which I got when I was 8.

• DOH! : On Saturday on my Irish blog I bemoaned the fact that no Irish station covered the midweek club soccer games, only to be politely informed they did. It’s one of the more embarrassing things that can happen to a blogger. Suffice to say my researcher has since been sacked.

• HOOKED: Though I’m not what you’d call a gamer, I do have a PS2. I never dreamed about buying a golf game until I tried the one on my mobile. I have since gone on to buy Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2003 second-hand and I am already a fully-fledged addict.

• LYRICAL :
“My bed’s full of takeaways
And fantasies of easy lays
The pause button’s broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey, Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don’t need to know”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• CATCHUP: I have found a way to keep up with my favourite blogs without swinging around from link to link like Tarzan on speed. If you haven’t already, try Google Reader for size. The only drawback is, if you’re a bit lazy like me, you won’t comment as often as before.

• STATWATCH : I have a regular visitor to my blogs whose IP server is based in Los Osos, California. Any chance you’d like to make yourself known to me? If you’d rather preserve the mystery I’d totally understand, but if not you can email me at jlpagano@eircom.net.

• BUSHBASHING :
Q: How many Bush administration officials does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: There is nothing wrong with the lightbulb. Its condition is improving everyday. Any reports of its malfunction are the result of “spin” by the liberal media. Why do you hate freedom so much to ask?

• “I… : …WILL IN ME ARSE!” is my Irish Slang O'the Week and basically is meant to convey a person’s intention NOT to do something in particular. For a little extra emphasis that’s also quite a bit more graphic, substitute the word “hole” for “arse”.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“carlsberg text”

“to phone county wexford from london what numbers must I dial”

“boiled shite”

“calcio, cosmopolitan, photos”

“boy’s overgrown larynx”

“people shagging in parks”

“funny keystroke art”

“trust an irishman?”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

“Google phrases of the week” and “StatWatch” courtesy of StatCounter.com

“Irish Slang Word O’ The Week” courtesy of “The book of feckin’ Irish Slang that’s great craic for cute hoors and bowsies”

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-07-14T07:27:00.000+01:00

Can you name the countries cheered on by the fans in each pic and work out what way I've organized them? Click the picture for a closer look - the answer is in the comments section.

Though the so-called mainstream media will have you thinking otherwise, I feel my little collage above fully captures the memory which will last the longest from the German World Cup extravaganza over the past month.

I will refer briefly to the head-butting incident. At first, I was relieved that such an action was not rewarded by ultimate victory. Then, I was disgusted that simple taunting actually could be. Now, I am relieved to hear that FIFA will be investigating what Materazzi supposedly said to Zidane – though in a way they have to, since “Kick Racism Out Of Football” is quite rightly one of their banner campaigns this weather.

As for the match itself, I thought the bloody thing kicked off at 8pm my time. I had it all organised – my kids were with me, and we were going to get a Chinese dinner from the take-away across the road. I ordered it at 7:15, and went to collect it fifteen minutes later, only to discover to my horror that not only did it start at 7 but I had missed two goals!

Alas the rest of the game was not to amount to much as a football contest, but considering what was at stake, it was tense right to the end. Taking the entire night’s action into account, even without Zizou’s folly, the Italians were worthy winners overall in my book. And I suppose if any outcome was going to make the third place playoff worthwhile, a German victory was just the thing.

But enough of such nonsense. This tournament went above and beyond what I expected it to be. My kids loved every minute, from the opening ceremony right up to Grosso’s final penalty in Berlin. They now know the flags and the location of 32 nations, and what’s more, they have a keen interest in the world’s most popular pastime.

And what about that support from the fans? Each and every nation proudly represented, and my picture only depicts the fans of those who actually qualified – thousands upon thousands of fans from the 167 nations who failed to reach the finals made the trip to the sporting mecca bearing their colours as well.

This four-yearly event is not just about some guys kicking a ball around a park. It’s not even about being proud of where you come from. I ask you – how else would countries like Mexico and Iran, or Togo and Switzerland come together but in a World Cup finals encounter? It is a celebration of humanity’s diversity more than anything else.

And what better place for diversity to be celebrated in the next instalment than in South Africa in 2010.

You can be sure I’ll be blogging every step of the way.

Pictures courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk

bitesize bullets

2006-07-10T09:31:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
CONGRATULAZIONI ITALIA CAMPIONI DELLA COPPA DEL MONDO!…

• STATWATCH : First thanks to whoever reads my Irish blog from Granby in Canada (or should I say Quebec?), for they provided it with its 10,000th hit last week. I also recently surpassed 30,000 hits since May 2005 between all of my blogs. Go me.

• CALCIO: I would like to wish the Italian soccer team all the best as having won the World Cup they of course now go on to take part in the Solar System Cup where I expect they will run rings around the Saturn champions in the first round. Boom boom.

• JOKE :
Scientist1 : “Hi - I’m from the lab across the hall– we were wondering if you can spare any remains from your rodent dissection program – we are particularly interested in the back half of the animals.”

Scientist2 : “I couldn’t give a rat’s ass.”

Scientist1 : “Sorry I only asked!”

• TUNES: Using the Cure’s “Just Like Heaven” for my lyrical bullet the other week inspired me to stick the album from whence it came, Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me, in my car stereo, which time-warped me back to the age of 16 when it first came out.

• HOOLEY ... : ...is this week’s Irish slang word and simply refers to a party, which of course being in Ireland would involve the consumption of an alcoholic beverage or twenty. For example – I bet there was some hooley on the streets of Rome last night!

• FLICKS: No rental movies this week, so we dipped into my DVD archive one night after the football and Big Brother were over and stuck on the first Lord of The Rings movie, “The Fellowship of the Ring”. Can’t go wrong watching this one – you notice something new every time.

• LYRICAL :
“If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast
Well I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame”

Who sang that? Check comments.

• WHY?: I guess I was a big fan of the whole thing when I was younger, but nowadays I can’t help but think that pouring so much time and money into a Shuttle that has bits falling off of it 24/7 is quite literally a waste of space.

• LINK : This week’s shout-out goes to Bock the Robber who was kind enough to put a link to my Irish blog on his site with the original description of my good self as : “Some Dublin fucker, but I like it.” I suppose I’ve been called worse!

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“george galloway lions quote”
“dear diary I lost my virginity”
“what does a.e.t. stand for in soccer?”
“where can I find the irish word for grandmother?”
“nicotine stains moustache”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-07-07T10:25:00.000+01:00

And then there were two…here’s my take on the quarterfinals and semifinals which led to this Sunday’s fascinating climax between the Italians and the French.

THE QUARTERFINALS

GERMANY-1 ARGENTINA-1 aet [Germany win 4-2 on penalties] – One memory I will always have from this year’s World Cup will be the sight of German coach Jurgen Klinsmann as his side got their equaliser in this game. As the ball sat up for Miroslav Klose to head in his fifth goal of the finals, Klinsmann willed on the header by doing his own mock version. It was a goal that the Argentinians deserved to concede, for they made a grave error in judgement by electing to sit on the 1-0 lead they gained on 49 minutes rather than go for the jugular. Then their playmaker Riquelme was gone and they were forced to endure the lottery of a penalty shoot-out where Arsenal goalie Jens Lehmann reigned supreme [see pic]. Apparently there was quite a serious bust-up between the two squads after this game and there may very well be reprisals for all concerned once FIFA has reviewed the footage.

ITALY-3 UKRAINE-0– To be honest, the former Soviet republic were never ever in this one at all, and they will be happy to have gone this far. Interesting comparisons can be drawn to Ireland’s adventure in 1990, when we too won our second round game on penalties after a 0-0 draw only to go and lose to the Italians in the quarter-finals. I feel the Ukranians’ pain, and I will have a Chicken Kiev in their honour. It’s always a relief to see a team’s pre-tournament predicted star shine in at least one match, and Luca Toni did just that [see pic] on the night here to see the Azzuri safely through to a semifinal with the hosts.

ENGLAND-0 PORTUGAL-0 aet [Portugal win 3-1 on penalties] – The picture shows the moment England’s hopes ended and Rooney’s face says it all. I reckon it was a harsh decision to award a straight red card for what had to be more of an accidental collision between his studs and what I now refer to as The Groin Of Gelsenkirchen. It’s even more of a kick in the crotch that the same ref has been rewarded with a gig officiating over the final. England played admirably with ten men after that and were actually the better side, though they never really looked like scoring. Portugal had their game plan to unsettle their opponents and it worked to a T, and it’s unfortunate that this tactic has been proven to work so well. Once it came to a shoot-out, Ricardo’s superior experience in the situation won the day – despite the fact that his teammates were unsuccessful with two kicks, they were missed rather than saved by the clearly-out-of-his-depth Paul Robinson. All in all a sad way for Eriksson to end his England stewardship and Beckham his captaincy, but to be honest, they never lived up to their pre-tournament billing.

BRAZIL-0 FRANCE-1– Much like England, the holders Brazil got this far without being properly tested, but my God, did the French make up for that in this game and then some. It should have been at least 3-0. Zinedine Zidane gave his illustrious opposition a masterclass in how to command a ball at his feet, and his teammates rose to the occasion with him. In the end it was his first ever assist to Thierry Henry [pic] that won the day. It was a delight to see Les Bleus return to their 1998-2000 form when they were virtually unbeatable – this was something that few experts predicted going into this tournament. If they play like this the rest of the way, they will be adding a second star to their jerseys for sure.

THE SEMIFINALS

GERMANY-0 ITALY-2 aet – It’s not often a neutral observer would actually want a game to go to penalties, but I have to admit it would have been interesting to see Lehmann and Buffon go head-to-head. At least there were two stunning goals right at the death for us to savour, most notably Grosso’s sweetest of sweet strikes to break the host nation’s hearts [see pic]. Del Piero finished it off with a well taken effort shortly afterwards, and though the result does not reflect the contest, the Italians deserved their place in the final when all is said and done. One of the biggest disappointments of the tournament has been the form (or rather the lack of it) of German skipper Michael Ballack. Had he ever managed to play like he has in the past for Bayern Munich, they could have gone all the way.

PORTUGAL-0 FRANCE-1– For the 90 minutes it was a drab dull encounter, but anyone with even a passing knowledge of football would have been rooted to this contest throughout nonetheless. Zidane was on a yellow card and since he was to retire from football altogether after the World Cup, you were on tenderhooks whenever he went for a challenge hoping it would not end that way. Luckily it didn’t and he proved the hero in the end, showing the English how to take a penalty against Ricardo by coolly slotting it home with minimum effort after Carvalho fell for Henry’s trickery and brought him down. I was glad to see the Portuguese fall at this hurdle – they played as though they felt they had done enough by getting past England, and in the end it was yet another fruitless campaign for their so-called “Golden Generation” – I wonder how long it will be before we see them go this far again.

all photos courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk

I don’t want to predict the score of the 3rd place playoff on Saturday night between Germany and Portugal because it is quite possibly the most pointless high profile contest in any sport. It’s a throwback to the origins of this tournament from back in the 30s when they modelled the event on the Olympics and thus felt compelled to award a bronze medal. Nowadays the Greek festival comes a poor second in popularity to the World Cup and perhaps a charity match featuring players from all of the 30 nations that did not make the final or maybe even a celebrity challenge match could take its place. My prediction for the final is 2-1 to France aet.

unsung heroes one and all

2006-07-05T08:45:00.000+01:00

Shaggy XIII > hermione2001uk

Towards the end of last year I did one of my “Lifeslice” posts about the teaching profession. I wish I had read this month’s Shaggy award winner before I wrote it.

Just what is your definition of a hero when it comes to their career?

A fireman or a doctor because they save lives?

A lawyer because they save your hide when you’re in trouble?

A preacher because he saves your soul?

A successful businessman because he saves money for himself?

It will never cease to amaze me how we take the credit when our kids succeed in school yet we villify their teachers when things go wrong. And what’s more, someone who gets rich by selling something like peanut butter or life insurance ends up with a better standard of living than someone who is expected to deal with our little angels while we are out pursuing those comparatively pointless careers.

I’ve missed a month or two with these posts, so that’s about as much further ado as I can stand, so to avoid any more, I’d like to present the Thirteenth Shagadelic Contribution To Blogland Award to hermione over at “Moaning And Shit” for her post “Who’d Be A Teacher?”

Since she doesn’t appear to have indiviual sites for her various posts set up on her blog, I feel compelled to copy/paste the winning contribution here, but please by all means check out her site.

Who'd be a teacher?

I had one of the worst days of my teaching career today.

Each year a fair comes to town and the kind people of the fair close it to the public for a couple of hours and open the fair just for the 4 special schools in the town. As you can imagine, the kids get sooooooo excited (I work in a school for MLD/EBD kids Year 3-Year 11). We use the fair 'carrot' to encourage them to behave for the week leading up to the fair. Invariably, there are always going to be a few who don't make the grade and have to stay back at school on health and safety grounds. Twelve kids had to stay back this year, 6 of whom were from my form. Only 2 from my form were actually allowed to go. Three of the boys were fairly blase about not going (they're Year 10s and probably think the fair is 'gay' anyway)the other boy pretty much 'lost it' (I'll come to that in a moment). The two girls who weren't allowed to go were devastated. I'm very fond of one of the girls, she's just like a big boisterous puppy really, all bark and no bite. Sure, she can be very gobby but ultimately, she's easily tamed. She sobbed and sobbed. She was supposed to be meeting her mum and disabled brother there and had no way of telling her mum that she wasn't going to be there (the kids were only told 30 mins before we were due to leave). The other girl has very complex problems - disasterous homelife and a growing dependence on alcohol and drugs. She's very very vulnerable. She took this not being allowed to go incredibly personally - reinforcing the fact that her life is complete shit. So, I had them to deal with all morning. Then, the boy I mentioned before completely lost it and I ended up doing my first ever restraint which wasn't much fun I can assure you. Anyway, after a while we managed to calm him down and he and I went and kicked a ball around until he was ready to go in for lunch. So, there we were, he and I quietly sauntering back into school when we were approached by another Year 10 girl (not in my form) also with a terrible homelife. She was waving a couple of photos around. One of the photos was of her niece who had died a couple of weeks ago of cot death. Yes, she was going around school with a photo of a dead baby. The picture was really gruesome, I can't get it out of my head.

On the plus side, we had a fun run in the afternoon and I won the teachers fancy dress :-) What a day!

Bravo hermione and all in your profession, take a collective bow.

Previous Winners :

I > Shandi – “Who says you can’t have the fairytale?"

II > Dol – “Corporate Whore!”

III > Buffalo – “Bangkok”

IV > Mike Todd – “Et tu, Mike?”

V > John - “You Are Not Alone, I Self Harm Too”

VI > Michèle - “Toyota Pickup vs. The Monte Carlo”

VII > Shan - “Panic Stations”

VIII > Red Mum - “The Last Time I Saw You”

IX > Paige A Harrison - “Education Is Such A Pain In The Back”

X > Alan - “52 Movies, 52 Weeks - 5. Munich”

XI > Omani - “Our Lady of Lourdes : Institutionalized Contraception”

XII > Knackered Kaz - “Nigella Lawson I Ain’t!”

bitesize bullets

2006-07-03T07:44:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
ISN’T THE IRISH SLANG BULLET GAS CRAIC ALTOGETHER?…

• RESTORED : Not having broadband sure wreaks havoc on the sanity of a blog junkie, I can tell you. Luckily I’m now back in action with my new wireless connection, so stay tuned for a resumption to regular postage. Net cafes are just not my bag, baby.

• FOURTH: The most yankee-doodle thing I will do on the 4th of July this year is go for a meal in TGI Fridays to celebrate my son’s upcoming birthday. Funny how “Hamburg”ers and “French” fries are considered American! Best wishes of the day to all (both?) my stateside readers.

• GAS… : …is my Irish Slang O’ The Week and simply means something amusing. “How was the party?” “Ah, yeah, it was gas!” Now in case my American readers think that’s a bit strange, just remember you guys call the stuff you put in your cars “gas” even though it’s a liquid…

• CANCELLED: One of the BBC’s longest running shows, Tops of the Pops, which is similar to American Bandstand, is soon to be taken from the air, finally succumbing to the pressures of the MTV generation. I’m not exactly gutted, but I do have some fond memories of the show.

• LYRICAL :
“Switch off your shield
Switch off and feel
I'm working on loving-yeah
Giving you back the good times
Ship it out-out
I'm working for the black gas”

Who sang that? Check comments for answer

• TUNES: The sleeve cover may be gross, but Pearl Jam’s “Vs.” is hands down my favourite album from the grunge era, with tracks like “Daughter”, Rats” and “Rearviewmirror”. I saw them live here in Dublin about ten years ago, though the Point Depot was a bad choice of venue for them.

• JOKE : How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [check comments for the answer]

• RENTAL: I finally got to see Joaquin Phoenix’ portrayal of Johnny Cash in “Walk The Line” last week. Er – yeah, it was a good flick, but I tell you – if Reese Witherspoon’s performance is considered Oscar material, competent though it may have been, then God help the future of Hollywood.

• ONGOING : The most frustrating aspect of the trouble in the Middle East for me is the way all Israeli military action is considered “legitimate self-defence” by the West but any Palestinian equivalent is labelled “terrorism”. For me, all extremist action is unjustified no matter what way you package it.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“dr cox’s best rants”
“turn close your eyes setanta”
“how to give a good shag”
“rugger bugger”
“drunken english supporters photos”
“jason mcateer cosmopolitan”
“what does aet mean in world cup”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-06-30T09:23:00.000+01:00

After nineteen consecutive days of at least two games per day, the World Cup field has now been whittled down to just eight teams. This week I review the eight games that produced those quarterfinalists.

GERMANY-2 SWEDEN-0 – If the two early goals and the curious sending off [pictured] didn’t kill this game, the shocking penalty miss by normally reliable Henrik Larsson in the second half definitely did. The last half hour was a snoozefest as the Swedes virtually threw in their yellow and blue towel. Still, the result goes a long way to prove the age old saying that you must never rule out the Germans. Although before the tournament they were expected to struggle, here they are in the last eight on their own soil, so anything is possible.

ARGENTINA-2 MEXICO-1 aet– For those unfamiliar with soccerspeak, the letters “aet” after a scoreline stand for “after extra time”. This was hands down the best game of the tournament so far. Argentina were heavily fancied to progress before the game but once it was over, they knew they had been in a contest. Mexico did their phenomenal support proud with a do or die performance that was worthy of further progression in the tournament. Ultimately it was a wonder goal from Maxi Rodriguez [pictured]. Top of the pile in what has been a string of breathtaking goals at these finals, which proved the difference. The biggest talking point was Argentina’s Gabriel Heinze only receiving a yellow card when he blatantly hacked down a Mexican player in the first half – most referees would have sent him off and the game would have been very different had he done so.

ENGLAND-1 ECUADOR-0 – He may make heavy weather of it, but England’s Swedish coach Sven Goran Eriksson has taken his charges to the World Cup quarterfinals for the second tournament in a row. Watching this match I think I can see what makes the team seem so lethargic. Despite the fact that they have arguably the most powerful midfield pairing in the competition with Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard, I wonder if there is room in the engine room of the team for both their considerable gos, particularly Lampard. Gerrard has at least chipped in with a couple of goals, but there is something about the Chelsea stalwart’s attitude that just doesn’t sit right with me. I reckon he has had more shots than anyone else without scoring, but none of them that I can remember appear to have been taken with any real conviction. Perhaps the coach’s braver option would have been to leave one of them on the bench and let the other control things the way they are used to at club level. Still, despite this, they are in the last eight, so maybe I’m making something out of nothing. Beckham [pictured] deserves a mention for his well-taken goal, but isn't that kind of what he's expected to do? As for Ecuador, they appeared more interested in exchanging shirts with their more illustrious opposition at the final whistle than they were at winning the game.

PORTUGAL-1 HOLLAND-0 – As ugly a sporting contest as you are ever likely to see. What is most ironic is that although there were as many as 16 yellow cards and 4 reds brandished [pictured], two of the most flagrant transgressions were missed – the deliberate injuring of Cristiano Ronaldo which could have ended his tournament, and Luis Figo’s shameful headbutting incident. I was glad to see the Dutch bully boy tactic did not work and like most football fans, I cannot believe that when his team badly needed a goal, coach Marco van Basten decided to leave world class forward van Nistelrooy on the bench all because of a disagreement off the pitch. I appreciate why he didn’t start with him, because apparently Ruud has had problems with his Manchester United teammate Ronaldo recently, but by the time the hour mark came round he had been taken off and van Nistelrooy’s introduction really was a no-brainer. I have to assume van Basten will now be seen running the Dutch show again.

ITALY-1 AUSTRALIA-0 – The Socceroos run the Mexicans a close second as the unluckiest team to bow out at this stage of the tournament. They put in a gallant display for ninety minutes, but unfortunately it was an unnecessary lunge from defender Lucas Neill, who ironically had been motioning to his teammates minutes earlier to keep a cool head, which gave the favourites a chance to get through the game. Totti took the high pressure kick extremely well [pic]. I hope the Antipodean supporters back home appreciate what a great achievement their boys have made. It’s not like the rugby and cricket equivalent where they are expected to win every time. This was a REAL World Cup where they reached the last 16 from a field of just under 200, so they can be well proud. The Italians will be delighted to still be in the competition considering all the turmoil that’s happening back home over the match-fixing. It will be interesting to see how far they go and what will happen if any of the squad themselves are found guilty and are expected to receive a World Cup winners medal?

SWITZERLAND-0 UKRAINE-0 aet [Ukraine win 3-0 on penalties] – Gary Lineker called this one perfectly before kickoff on the BBC – “This is a contest between the two most unfancied teams in the last 16, to decide who becomes the most unfacied team in the last eight”. OK, OK, I will hold up my hand – last week I tipped the Swiss to do well in the second phase. I did so because I reckoned they had a strong defense and this could see them through. Pity they didn’t realise that it helps to try and score some goals as well. They played to their superior talents at the back and didn’t seem to mind the prospect of a penalty shoot-out. Well, this notion bit them in the ass as not only did their gameplan make for a boring 120 minutes of football, they also lost their bottle in the shootout, missing all four of their kicks to hand a quarterfinal berth to the Ukraine [pic], who must have long forgotten their 4-0 drubbing to the Spaniards way back when.

BRAZIL-3 GHANA-0 – Undoubtedly the most misleading scoreline of the tournament. It appears to have been a comfortable ride for the Samba boys, but it was nothing of the sort. The Ghanaians were lacking just two things – their star player Michael Essien who was suspended, and defensive maturity. Why they thought holding a high backline against the Brazilian forwards would work I will never know. Even “Who Ate All The Pies” Ronaldo [pic]was able to saunter through and score. Ze Roberto’s extremely well-taken third goal provided us with a glimpse of what we come to expect from the World champions.

SPAIN-1 FRANCE-3 – Cast your mind back to June 14th. Final score from Leipzig : Spain-4 Ukraine-0. If someone told you then that it would be the former Soviet republic that would make the quarterfinals and not their Latin opponents, would you have believed them? Unless you hailed from Kiev, hardly. The French wanted this game more, plain and simple. This was the performance their 30-something generation [eg Zidane seen in pic scoring France's third] needed to produce to justify their reputations, and whatever happens now, they can always point to this game. If Thierry Henry can find some of his va-va-voom as well against the Brazilians, anything can happen. However, it seems the French coach won’t let him run in at the goal from the touchline as he does so well for his club Arsenal.

all photos courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk

My predicitons for the quarterfinals…

GERMANY V ARGENTINA 2-1

ITALY V UKRAINE 1-0aet

ENGLAND V PORTUGAL 2-1aet

BRAZIL V FRANCE 3-2

bitesize bullets

2006-06-26T12:39:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
WHEN FATE OFFERS YOU A FUTURE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LET GO OF YOUR PAST…

• UPDATE : Gran is still recovering from her illness, and it’s touch and go whether she can return to her independent living situation, so things are still up in the air on that front. Meanwhile, Sandra just got back in one piece from her “hen’s [aka ‘bachelorette’] weekend” in Barcelona.

• COMMENTARY: If you’re a fan of Six Feet Under, I strongly recommend you at least rent the series finale on DVD and watch the last ever episode with the director’s commentary. It gives a tremendous insight to what was an exceptional series.

• LYRICAL :
“You – lost and lonely
You – soft and only
You – strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream
You’re just like a dream”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• RENTAL: Fancy a movie that’s both a bit different and educational? Try “Pavee Lackeen – The Traveller Girl” for size. Very simply done, it gives you a snapshot of the life of the travelling community here in Ireland. Hardly Oscar material, but does what it sets out to do very well.

• FANNY… : …is my Irish Slang Word O’ The Week. While it means backside in the USA, it refers to a rather more intimate female area this side of the pond. It’s always amusing to hear an elderly American tourist in downtown Dublin loudly proclaim she has a pain in her fanny!

• BUSHBASHING: Nothing like a 30% approval rating to get Dubya suggesting that something is to be eventually done about G-Bay, though not until the suspects have been dealt with by the law. I’m thinking – what exactly has stopped you dealing with them before now, Georgie boy?

• STATWATCH : I forgot to mention last week that my assorted blogs recently surpassed the 25,000 hit mark between them since May 2005. That’s quite the milestone I reckon, but one that only other bloggers will appreciate – I won’t exactly go bragging to my friends!

• TUNES: I treated myself this week to FatBoy Slim’s greatest hits CD, the one with the bonus DVD that has all his excellent videos. Well worth the money. My fav track is a toss-up between “I See You Baby” and his re-working of Cornershop’s “Brimful Of Asha”.

• JOKE :
Patient : Doctor, I have a pain from halfway down my face to halfway up my leg.

Doc : Well, I know what it is but I can’t tell you.

Patient : Why?

Doc : Judging by your symptoms your treatment has to be on a knees to nose basis.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“readable 1000 word story”

“chris de burgh blog mega spanish”

“biko funeral”

“ireland world cup we’ll really shake them up”

“3 legged footballer tune”

“brian o’driscoll drunk”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-06-23T17:27:00.000+01:00

Plenty of goals, fiercely loyal and remarkably colourful support [a fact hopefully proven by the pictures courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk], never-ending talking points… the 2006 World Cup has somehow managed to eclipse my expectations and the first round isn’t even over yet!

GROUP A – This is a very difficult group to judge. Though the host nation Germany have done well to win all three of their first round games, you have to allow for the fact that they won 3-0 against an Ecuador team that was happy to have clinched qualification at all and didn’t want to pick up any unnecessary injuries. The eating that will prove this group’s pudding will be their performances in the second round. Poland and Costa Rica didn’t bring much to the tournament I’m afraid and deserve to be on their way home.

GROUP B – Well, they won their group, but I have to say, my tip to go all the way England need to do a lot better if my prediction is to come true. Michael Owen was very unlucky to be injured against Sweden, but I can’t for the life of me work out why the coach didn’t bring on Walcott instead of Crouch because surely the latter move meant changing the entire game plan just a few minutes into the contest. And as for the dodgy defending which led to Sweden’s second goal, you are told even at schoolboy level that you should never let the ball bounce in your own penalty area after a set-piece. Having seen the replay I found John Terry to be at fault for jumping for a header he was never going to win, but since he is the heir apparent to the captaincy, the English press seem unwilling to cite him. Elsewhere in the group, Sweden will be happy to have gone through, Paraguay will get consolation from picking up a win, and poor Trinidad Tobago were unfortunate to have gone three games without scoring a goal.

GROUP C – Everyone was bigging up the clash between Holland and Argentina in this group, but since both were guaranteed a spot in the next round, it turned out to be a dull 0-0 draw. I still reckon both will make at least the quarterfinals, however. Serbia have been the tournament’s biggest let-down, and all the experts are saying the Ivory Coast are the best team not to reach the knockout stages.

GROUP D – This has been an extremely second rate group if you ask me. Portgual are extremely flattered by their three wins out of three, and should get a rude awakening against the Dutch. Mexico were also a disappointment. Angola and Iran should be happy to have at least registered a point.

GROUP E – Now this is what frustrates me about soccer in the USA. My nation of birth put in a really gutsy tactical performance to come out with a 1-1 “tie” with Italy and any other country would be delighted with the result, but no doubt it was uzerped in the yankee doodle press by Miami winning the national basketball title. A team representing the country does well on a world stage less important than a mere city doing well on a national stage? Says it all really. The Italians themselves have shown little to convince me they can get over their match-fixing scandals back home, but I am delighted that Ghana will be representing the African contintent in the next round. The Czech Republic never got over the injury to their big influential striker Koller in their first game.

GROUP F – Ronaldo may have proved the theory that even at 60% fitness he is worth having on the park with two goals against Japan last night, but I still think his overweight appearance is a disgrace to sport in general. Best quote of the tournament so far has been the suggestion that his theme song should be “I Predict A Diet”. In fact, it’s that Nike insist that he play that’s an even bigger disgrace. Yeah, I know, that can’t ACTUALLY be proven, but anyone who knows anything about the game will tell you the sports manufacturers are pulling the strings on this event even more with each tournament that comes around. It’s a bit like Michael Jordan having to wrap the stars and stripes around himself while he stood on the podium with his Olympic gold medal because Nike didn’t want him seen in his Reebok tracksuit. Also in this group, Australia’s fair advancement beyond the first round can only be good for the game, since it raises awareness for soccer in a market dominated by rugby, cricket and Aussie Rules. Croatia never capitalized on their gutsy performance against brazil and Japan just didn’t cut it I’m afraid.

GROUP G – Even after two disappointing draws, the French can still get out of their group if they beat Togo today, something they must surely do, though only a win by two clear goals will guarantee this. The Switzerland/South Korea encounter could be the most exciting match of the round, since it’s a real all-or-nothing battle. I predict the European’s superior defence will win the day.

GROUP H – Ukraine did exactly what I predicted and gave the Saudis a pasting, and I can’t see them doing much less against Tunisia, to prove that a 4-0 loss in your opening match is does not mean the end of your tournament by any stretch. The Spaniards will no doubt win their third game, but they will be all too aware they still have much to prove in the knockout stages.

bitesize bullets

2006-06-19T12:13:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
OH, IF ONLY IRELAND WERE AT THE WORLD CUP FINALS…

• UPDATE : Thanks to all who expressed concern over my grandmother from last week. I plan to blog about the whole saga once I have broadband installed in my new abode, which should be in the next week or so.

• RENTAL: I must confess I was pleasantly surprised by Disney’s animation flick Chicken Little which my kids finally persuaded me to rent last week. Although you are expected to identify with yet another batch of talking animals, this one still manages to entertain throughout, though it’s no “The Incredibles” or “Shrek”.

• EEJIT… : …is this week’s Irish slang word and on a basic level is simply the word “idiot” said with an Irish accent. For me, it brings a whole new meaning to the term when used properly, eg “Ah, sure yer man George Bush is an awful eejit, isn’t he?”

• SUPPORT: I have given analysis of the actual goings on at the World Cup, but thanks to the internet this year I have also been amazed by the the breathtaking atmosphere generated by the fans that makes this undoubtedly the world’s greatest sporting spectacle. Even the American support has been impressive.

• LINK : This week’s Link shout-out goes to the right honourable Dolores McCrumble to whom I am forever grateful for plugging my blog in the midst of her emancipation. It all makes me hungry for a “lahge paw-tion” of Chocolate Salty Balls. Yes – that’s a private joke though trust me, it’s harmless.

• TUNES: Sunday’s trip to visit my grandmother was accompanied by the soundtrack to “The Big Chill” which comprises mostly Motown classics like “Heard It Through The Grapevine” and “Ain’t Too Proud To Beg” - tunes you just can’t help singing along to whatever your age.

• PISS-TAKE : My fellow First Thursday reveller Ben E*******, who spent time in New York and follows the Yankees, is usually my go-to-guy for baseball discussion. After my A’s won 3 in a row at Yankee Stadium recently, I sent him a little ditty which you will find in with the comments.

• HAUGHEY: Ireland’s answer to Richard Nixon, former Prime Minister [known here by the Irish word Taoiseach, pronounced “TEA-shock”] Charles J Haughey passed away last week, which lead to the predictable mixture in the media of hyperbolic tributes and damning eulogies.

• LYRICAL :
“When I feel heavy metal
And I’m pins and needles
Well, I lie and I’m easy
All the time but I am never sure
Why I need you
Pleased to meet you”

Who sang that? Check comments for answer.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“the nitecap dive”

“sex word of the day”

“how to shag yaself”

“german builders pants”

“free movies who will shag anyone for money”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

“Google phrases of the week” courtesy of StatCounter.com

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-06-16T11:54:00.000+01:00

A while ago I did a series of weekly posts looking back on past World Cups in the build up to this year’s big event. I suppose now the thing is actually happening I should also pass a few comments! Since I’m stuck for time I will just round up what I make of events in Germany every Friday until the tournament is over.

GROUP A – Well, the age old World Cup cliché has rung true : “NEVER rule out the Germans.” Due to indifferent form since rookie coach Jurgen Klinsmann took over, many people thought the host nation would struggle, but they put this to bed after just a few minutes of their opening game with a thunderbolt from fullback Lahm. A deserved last-gasp winner against Poland now sees them through, but hey – how bout them Ecuadoreans? All they need is a draw from their showdown with Germany to win the group.

GROUP B – They say the sign of a great team is one that can find a way to win even when they play badly. If this is true, my tip to win England were the best team ever in their first two matches. Were it not for a lucky own goal and a miraculous goal-line clearance from John Terry, the English fans would be getting ready for a 90-minute nail-biting fest in their third game. Sweden should now go through with them, but you have to feel for Paraguay and Trinidad & Tobago. Both went over 160 consecutive minutes without conceding goals in their first two games yet both will probably be on the early plane home. That’s what makes it a “funny old game”!

GROUP C – Every World Cup has its “Group of Death”, ie a group with four nations capable of advancing, and with Argentina, Holland, Serbia and Ivory Coast, Group C is it this year. Though Argentina and Holland recorded wins in their openers, neither will feel safe just yet, and with two more games today, it’s still all to play for.

GROUP D – Mexico made light work of Iran, and although Portugal laboured to get past its former colony of Angola, I can’t see them failing to progress as well. I’m not altogethr sure either will go beyond the second round though.

GROUP E – I reckon it was more a case of an impressive Czech Republic side than a poor USA one that resulted in the 3-0 scoreline, so don’t dismiss the Americans just yet – they may be a good outside bet to sneak a result off the Italians in their second game. Ghana can’t be discounted either, though the Czechs look as good if not better than they did in Euro2004, and although losing Koller will hurt them, the talent throughout the rest of the squad, most notably Rosicky, could take them to at least the last four.

GROUP F – Hot favourites Brazil had a similar start to England, and I sincerely hope the Croatians realise they put in a valiant effort themselves in the opening game and could still well progress. Though I was happy to see the valiant Aussies record a victory, I fear it may be their last as I reckon it will be they and Japan to be travelling eastwards once this group is done.

GROUP G – Once again the French were disappointing, though you have to retain faith that they can progress, and I’d tend to plump for the Swiss to beat South Korea for the other slot based on their performance against Les Bleus. Togo had a well-taken goal to go 1-0 against the Koreans, but I think that may remain their only highlight from this campaign.

GROUP H – Many football fans would be forgiven for thinking that the literal translation of “Espana” is “perennial underachievers”. Despite their impressive drubbling of the Ukraine, we will see how they do if and when they progress past the first round, for only a final four berth will serve to shake their tag. I still the Shevchenko & co have a chance to make it through, since the two Arab nations in this group seem very shaky defensively.

all photos courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk

bitesize bullets

2006-06-12T19:50:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
MY BACK WAS BROKE AFTER WATCHIN THAT STUPID FLICK…

• UPDATE : Last week was rough – my 96-year-old grandmother, who hasn’t been sick for years, caught a bad chest infection down in her new apartment and needed to spend a couple of days in hospital. She hopes to have her strength back for my wedding in August.

• TUNES : Yet another trusty companion for the straight one hour drive back and forth to my grandmother’s apartment has been the soundtrack for the Blues Brothers. The kids got a kick out of it when they travelled with me yesterday, particularly “Rawhide”.

• LYRICAL :
“Lie around all day
Have a drink to chase
‘Yourself and tourists, yeah
That's what I hate’
He said ‘We're going wrong
We've all become the same
We dress the same ways
Only our accents change’”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• ARTICLE : If you are curious about the World Cup phenomenon and would like it explained in layman’s terms, you could do no better than reading this month’s National Geographic cover feature by among others Sean Wilsey. There is even a trademark NG foldout wallchart to enjoy.

• LINK : This week’s link shout-out goes to Catalizadora for adding my Irish blog to her blogroll. Nice to see my stuff is being read by someone originally from as far afield as Argentina.

• CONFESSION : I have to admit I find the seventh instalment of the Big Brother enigma to be quite entertaining. Best bit for me is when Pete is in the diary room. Even if he doesn’t win overall like I think he will, he has done bucketloads for awareness of Tourette’s syndrome.

• STATWATCH : Not a word of a lie – on my “portfolio blog”, my statcounter was registering exactly 666 hits on June 6, 2006. If you knew how sceptical I was about paranormal coincidences, you would be sure I could never make that up.

• RENTAL : I don’t care if it makes me sound homophobic – Brokeback Mountain was a snoozefest from start to finish. I cannot believe the acclaim it received and it makes me wonder about the future of Hollywood. Try the same story with a hetero-sexual couple and noone would have gone near it.

• DEADLY… : …is this week’s Irish slang word and when used properly actually means something very good. “Jaysis check out the jugs on yer one they’re fookin DEADLY man!” I presume I don’t need to translate the word “jugs”…

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“whatever happened to patrick battiston”

“unbelievable herald schumacher pictures”

“italy 1989 world cup souvenir with national anthems”

“things you can shag”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

“Statwatch” and “Google phrases of the week” courtesy of StatCounter.com

bitesize bullets

2006-06-06T12:51:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
I RECKON WALT WILL PERSUADE HIM TO GO BACK…

• SCARCE : Sorry the posting has been so rare – moving both myself and my grandmother to new abodes has taken over two months but at least there appears to be an end in sight. Still no broadband in new apartment - I’m now using a net café.

• TUNES : The weather has been glorious here in Dublin lately, and I’ve had no better non-human companion on the one hour drive to my gran’s new place than Hootie and the Blowfish’s debut album Cracked Rear View. I challenge you not to choke up a bit at the last track “Goodbye”.

• SHAME : Though it pains me to say it, the Irish legal system has been put to shame in recent weeks by the discovery of a loophole which could see convicted sex offenders go free. What is equally shameful is how our elected representatives are doing headless chicken impersonations and denying responsibility.

• FEAST : After all my posts of preparation for the World Cup, it finally kicks off this Friday when hosts Germany face Costa Rica. I have an added bonus in that my kids have caught the soccer bug in the past few months and are excited about watching it with me.

• LYRICAL :
“You can see the summit
But you just can’t reach it
Last piece of the puzzle
But you just can’t make it fit
Doctor says you’re cured
But you still feel the pain
Aspirations in the clouds
But your hopes go down the drain”

Who sang that? Comments have answer.

• BUSHBASHING : I guess the one thing that annoys me about the whole Iraq debate is how there are so many Americans who are absolutely convinced without a shadow of doubt that whatever they do, it’s ok because they are “the good guys”. Oh if only reality were that simple, eh?

• BOOKWORM : I made a resolution to read a book every month in 2006 and so far all I’ve managed is the Da Vinci Code. Well at least I’ve started another one, it’s by Karen Armstrong and is called “Islam – a Short History” and it’s heavy reading but interesting nonetheless so far.

• PATIENCE : Though I’m glad a show like “Lost” has come to replace Six Feet Under and The West Wing, it really bugs me that I have to wait so long to see what happens now series 2 is over! The 5th line of intro is not a bad spoiler, BTW.

• LINK : This week’s Link shout-out goes to Paddy from I Don't Really Know for adding me Irish blog to his list. Good to see another blogger unafraid to publish his own poetry as well.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“pagano diet blog”

“goalie, racism, italy, throwing bananas”

“kim cattral measurements”

“even if it breaks your heart to be just friends”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

buckpassing

2006-05-29T14:02:00.000+01:00

Like I said last week, my blogging habits are going to be disrupted for a while as I settle into a brand new routine. I would, however, like to take this opportunity to republish this song called "Buckpassing" by way of congratulating my friends Conor and Nicola on their recent new arrival. I was inspired to write this just over twelve years ago, as I was about to become a new parent myself. Best of luck to you both with little BDW.

As sure as darkness can be full of many dangers
As sure as little children shouldn’t talk to strangers
As sure as night follows day you’ll ask me the question
As sure as Mother Nature cannot be predicted
As sure as one to nicotine can be addicted
I’m sure I can safely say you’ll ask me the question

“Daddy, what’s really going on?”

Well, I could give you a bible and tell you to read
I could give you commandments and tell you to heed
But could I honestly say they’d answer your question?

Ask me how,
I’ll show you ways in which you can proceed
Ask me where
I’ll show you places you will not believe
Ask me any of the above and I’ll gladly reply
There’s just one thing though
Don’t ask me why

Now if you wonder why I question my ability
My train of thought it’s greatly lacking in mobility
In fact, when it comes to this, it’s stuck at the station
I asked the conductor what on earth the whole delay was for
He just laughed and said “Stop using stupid metaphors!
You can dodge all you like but they’ll still ask the question!”

“Daddy, what’s really going on?”

Ask me how, ask me where,

Ask me which,
I’ll help you choose the one that serves you well
Ask me what,
I’ll give you things to use for show-and-tell
But with one small request I cannot comply
You get the picture
Don’t ask me why

See in my soul, there’s a void
That I can’t avoid any longer
Whenever I try another year goes by
And the feelings can’t get any stronger
So when you ask me why I’ll sing this lullaby
In the hope that one day you’ll see
I’ll always learn more from you
Than you could ever learn from me

Ask me how, ask me where, ask me which, ask me what,

Ask me when,
I’ll take you all the way through history
Ask me whodunit,
And I’ll help you solve the mystery
But if it’s reasons you seek then don’t even try
I sure can’t help you
Don’t ask me why

© JL Pagano 1994

click here for a full index of my poetry and song lyrics

bitesize bullets

2006-05-22T11:00:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
O HONDA CIVIC! BAD NEW TREND!…

• BREAK : The good news is, I will FINALLY be out of the house in Booterstown this week; the bad, it will probably mean I won’t be blogging for a while afterwards. Nothing definite as yet, just don’t be surprised if I don’t post for the next few weeks.

• HUH? : No, this isn’t a cast photo from Lord Of The Rings, it’s Finnish metal band Lordi, who won this year’s Eurovision Song Contest with their – er – rousing? anthem called “Hard Rock Hallelujah”. I’m sure Helsinki will be delighted this lot earned them the right to host next year’s event!

• LYRICAL :
“It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• CRACKED? : Even though I’m normally the laziest book reader ever, I managed to get through The Da Vinci Code in under a week before I go see the movie. I will review both soon. Can you crack my code in the intro to this post? The answer is in the comments.

• BUSHBASHING : I’m intrigued that the US Senate felt the need to pass a decree stating that English was the national language recently. Maybe it’s simply a nod to The White House since like the rest of us they can’t decypher any communications coming out of there these days.

• TUNES : I was out the other night and heard a track from the Police album “Regatta de Blanc” so I decided to play it in my car stereo, mostly because it has two of my all time favourites by anyone, “Bring On The Night” and “The Bed’s Too Big Without You”.

• FOUND : In packing away stuff from Booterstown house I found the book I wanted to use for my Irish slang bit each week : it’s called “The book of feckin’ Irish Slang that’s great craic for cute hoors and bowsies”. Call it an alternative phrasebook for toursists if you will.

• SPLIT : It was of course a shame to see these two going their separate ways. Everyone seems concerned about how his money will be divvied up since there was no pre-nup. Well at least it shouldn’t cost him an arm and a leg since she only needs a leg! Buh-bum-PISH! Sorry.

• CRAIC... : ...is the first word I’ll take from the slang book and in Ireland it is pronounced “crack” and simply means “fun”. Believe it or not in Ireland you can ask for a pub where you can “get great craic” and noone will so much as bat an eyelid.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“who lead argentina to the final and then lifted the trophy at mexico 86”

“crouching position police india”

“liverpool horny blogspot”

“militant republicanism short strand”

“meetings for textaholics”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

Google phrases of the week appear courtesy of StatCounter.com

le concourse des chansons merdes [reprise]

2006-05-19T12:25:00.000+01:00

No time for an original post today, but to keep this blog ticking over, I'll dip into my archives. It's Eurovision weekend once again, and here's a piece I did on the event last year. Just substitute Athens for Kiev and you get an idea of what's happening tomorrow night - my attitudes haven't changed all that much in twelve months!

A while ago I made fun of a particular TV show, “Everybody Loves Raymond”. Living in Europe as I do, I can imagine many Americans reading that piece would assume I was having a swipe at all things red white and blue and would no doubt jump to its defence. In reality, there are several TV offerings from across the pond I enjoy, with “The West Wing”, “The Sopranos” and “Six Feet Under” being among my perennial favourites.

Even so, I feel compelled to berate some European television fare to even the score, and tonight’s “Eurovision Song Contest” (ESC), a glorified talent show comprising around 40 or so nations across the continent, gives me the perfect opportunity to do so.

This annual event is under the stewardship of an organization known as “The European Broadcasting Union” (EBU). Casual observers from the USA would be forgiven for thinking this was our equivalent of ABC or NBC, but in reality, it is far from it. It is actually a blanket body representing each country’s state-funded television networks. I can only assume the purpose of this occasion is to both justify and perpetuate the EBU’s existence, because I sure don’t hear much about it the rest of the year.

As Ireland discovered throughout the 90’s, the worst thing a country can do in the ESC is actually win it, since this inflicts you with the severe financial burden of hosting the damn thing the following year. I think we won three times in a row at one point which meant our national network RTÉ (and in turn the taxpayers) had to repeatedly foot the bill. This year, at least, our entry hasn’t even managed to qualify for the final night, so we can leave our hands out of our pockets for another year.

So what’s wrong with a televised song contest between nations I hear you ask? You obviously haven’t heard any of the songs. They are beyond awful. They are one of the reasons the term “Eurotrash” was first coined. And what’s more, each country has its own contest a few months before to decide which one gets to make it to the ESC so when you see a bunch of people croaking out their entry on stage for the final event, you are struck by the realization that this four minutes of audio torture actually the best that nation had to offer. It beggars belief what the other songs were like. Let’s just say it’s not exactly somewhere we’re going to find the next Lennon/McCartney and leave it at that when it comes to the talent pool.

Having said all of this, there is at least one part of the evening that makes worthwhile viewing - the voting. Once the thirty or so, er, “acts”, have completed their routines, we are then treated to the technological wizardry of the computer scoreboard which contains all of the countries listed in alphabetical order at first, until the show’s host speaks one by one to representatives of each of the participating countries to discover how their viewers have voted for the winner.

The rules for voting are simple. You pick up your phone and dial the appropriate number that corresponds to your favourite, with the understandable proviso that you cannot vote for you own country. An amusing aside to this format – last year a convoy of people from Wexford (south coast of Ireland) travelled up and over the border with the UK-ruled Northern Ireland to commandeer phone boxes and make multiple votes for their local boy who was representing The Emerald Isle. Their hero still didn’t win – no doubt their Ukrainian counterparts living near the border with Poland did likewise in greater numbers.

Each nation then ranks its final tally and awards “points” to their top ten. When they are called on to reveal their results, they read out their list in ascending order, with respect of course given to Europe’s multi-lingual nature. And so a typical exchange between the show’s MC and a country’s representative could go like this…

MC : “And now we go to Berlin, guten abend Deutschland!”

German rep : “Guten abend! And thank you for hosting such a wonderful event tonight! [translation – on behalf of German State Television, thank God we didn’t have to pay for this!!!] Here are the results of the German jury…Belgium, one point.”

MC : “Belgium, one point, Belgique, un point.”

GR : “Netherlands, two points.”

MC : “Netherlands, two points, Pays-Bas, deux points.” …….

And so this goes on until the top mark of twelve (douze) points is awarded to that country’s perception of the best of an extremely bad lot. The computer then instantly calculates the total scores and tells you who’s in the lead before they move on to the next country’s voting. In case you’re wondering, it has apparently been mathematically proven over the years that countries tend to award their votes along predictable political lines. In other words, the UK would give top marks to Ireland, Ireland would give no points to the UK and Switzerland would give equal points to everyone if they could.

Actually, when Ireland are competing, and are still in the running with the voting towards the end, you can actually get into it a bit, but it is simply mindless patriotism since anytime I’ve cheered to the words “Irelande, douze points” I would have completely forgotten how the song which attracted the marks actually sounded. Since we failed to get past the first round this year, I think I can find better things to do with my Saturday night than tune in to events from Kiev.

It still bugs me that I’m helping to pay for it, though. All I ever got out of it was an ability to name most of the countries of Europe in French, which makes it a pretty lavish foreign language course if you ask me. The title of this piece, which very loosely translates to “The Awful Song Contest”, I had to search online.

bitesize bullets

2006-05-15T07:49:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
APPYPOLLY LOGGY FOR ALL THE CHEPOOKA…

• EXPERIMENT : I tried out a new type of speed-writing post last Friday, and I think I know how I want to do it from now on. From now on it will be called “Taking the fifth” and where the number was ten before it’s now, well, you work it out!

• RENTAL : Last week I finally got to see “A Clockwork Orange”. Besides the various the messages throughout, what struck me was how over-the-top the desire was to shock in the early seventies, be it in décor, art, dress, even language. I find expression these days to be more direct and obvious.

• SHITE… : …is this week’s Irish slang word and rhymes with “fight”. Though it is a variation of shit, it is considered to be a softer usage. Common phrases include “Go and shite”, “That tastes like boiled shite”, and “Guinness makes you shite through your elbow”.

• BUSHBASHING : How ironic is it that most powerful nation in the world can send a team to a major sporting event, this summer’s World Cup to be precise, yet be the only one unable to display its flag on the team bus for security reasons?

• LYRICAL :
“It's silly, no?
When a rocket ship explodes
And everybody still wants to fly
Some say a man ain't happy
Unless a man truly dies
Oh why?”

Who sang that? Check comments for the answer.

• OVER? : I know all good things come to an end, and I know even the best TV drama can be ruined by going on too long, but if Sunday night’s series finale was the last ever, it was a sad event for American television, and it will be sorely missed.

• AGREEMENT? : Spare a thought for the people of Northern Ireland as once again their politicians try to reach a consensus on how to govern the region eight years after the people implored them to. The trouble is, it’s the Extremist parties that are heading the negotiations. I won’t hold my breath.

• TUNES : I guess I’m back to the one-album wonders in my car stereo this week – with the entertaining gospel inspired rock tracks that make up the Hothouse Flowers’ debut album “People” from 1988. Maybe their association with the Eurovision Song Contest was to be their undoing.

• LINK : This week’s shout-out goes to The Swearing Lady for linking me twice on her entertaining new blog “Arse End Of Ireland”. Maybe my American readers will need some more Irish slang translation before they appreciate it, though…

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“the day and time roy keane left the irish squad in saipan”

“washing line panties”

“three legged footballer”

“brazil sex show”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.
I really, honestly, truly don't make these up.

Google phrases of the week appear courtesy of StatCounter.com

all the tens

2006-05-12T10:13:00.000+01:00

This isn’t really a “meme” per se – this is just something I want to try out by way of a different method of posting. Of course feel free to try it yourself if it seems interesting.

I’m quite the control freak. I can’t post on my blog unless I type something up on Word first then scrutinize it a gagillion times before publishing, and even THEN I have to go back and re-edit over and over.

Fellow blogger Shandi gave me an idea to test myself via this post of hers.

So for this writing exercise I will do the following –

1. Open up my Blogger dashboard
2. Pick up a random book
3. Go to the tenth page
4. go to the tenth line on that page
5. go to the tenth word on that line
6. if the tenth word has less than four letters, I will take the nearest word of four letters or more that comes before it
7. as soon as I identify the word, I must type it, then start my timer for ten minutes and write whatever I can about that word
8. then I just hit publish and hope for the best

Here goes…

Today's word is... TIMES
Ok times - well I'm thinking about newspapers right now - The Irish Times in particular, how their leading columnist of many years Kevin Myers recently defected to rival publication the Irish Independent. He was too controversial for this country's leading publication I guess. I always remember reading a piece he wrote about a poor girl who was killed down in County Wexford a couple of years ago. She was from Germany and worked for a family down there as a nanny. She was pushing a buggy containing the couple's baby son and the buggy had gone out onto the road while she was still on the sidewalk and got stuck as a big truck was approaching. she tried to wave to the driver to get his attention but as he had a stack of boxes beside him in the cab he didnt see her. So she heroically pushed the buggy forward beyond the truck but tragically she herself wa shit and killed by the truck who never saw her until it was too late. It was clearly a harrowing event for all concernec. Anyway Myers was writing an article about our judicial system saying how hard it is to achieve speedy justice. The girl's poor parents had to come back and forth from Germany to attend various hearings and as far as I know, the man was not convicted and is still driving today. I could be wrong though - remember the nature of these posts is that I spew out what pops into my head and keep my head down and don't even check for spelling mistakes [though I will be honest I have backspaced a good few times already! Anyway - the part about Myers' piece that bugged me was the way he made a flippant reference to the girl after the accident as a "flattened piece of steak tartare", which although his overall slant was in favour of her and her family in the case, I found to be a morally reprehensible choice of words. Now I'm wondering why the hell the word "times" made me think of that story, but my own time is now numbered, so I guess I will wrap this up. This is an interesting excercies but if you try it remember to minimise your distractions as you do it. turn off your phone, get you head down,m and type. Here's a long sentence to finish off with that doesn't really msay anything but will use up my laST TEN SECONDS.

bitesize bullets

2006-05-08T09:40:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
RESPECT FOR ME, RESPECT FOR MY FAMILY…

• CHALLENGE : I had an idea the other day to spice up the “Lyrical” bullet each week by leaving the name of the song off the post and putting it in the comment section to see if you can work it out for yourself. Are you up for it?

• TUNES : He may have gone on to earn a reputation as a writer of mushy drivel like “Lady In Red”, but I still contend that Chris de Burgh's earlier albums “Spanish Train” and “The Getaway” were quality, and the former is currently in my car stereo.

• SLANG : The “Nextblogging” feature wasn’t doing it for me, so instead I’ll start introducing my non-Irish readers to various forms of Irish slang – this week I’ll focus on the word “scarleh”, pronounced just like it looks, and is used to denote embarrassment. It comes from saying “scarlet” in a Dublin accent.

• LINK : Thanks yet again to Paige A Harrison for once more referring to me as "The Godfather of Blogging" and also to adding this site to her linklist. As a courtesy I’d be more than willing to whack any blogger that criticizes her in future, so be warned…

• LYRICAL :
"When I'm deep inside of me
Don't be too concerned
I won't ask for nothin' while I'm gone
But when I want sincerity
Tell me where else can I turn
Because you're the only one that I depend on"

Know who sang that? Check the comments for the answer.

• APE : I finally got to see Peter Jackson’s attempt at King Kong last week. It was definitely worth seeing for the special effects, particularly Kong himself. Also the bonus DVD features about the making of the film are interesting viewing.

• SCARLEH : Now you know what this word means, I can now tell you that I was TOTALLY scarleh when I realized the character known as “Sarah” from my LifeSlice story about being a movie extra had found the post and read the whole thing! At least she thought it was “entertaining”…

• SPURS : I don’t often cover sports here, but I have to pay tribute to what was a brilliant season for my favourite team. Though we were 4th since January and bumped down to 5th in the final game yesterday, it was still a great improvement on the past ten years.

• PROGRESS : Not a good first week for my plans to get back to a decent weight – I actually put on two pounds. I put it down to stress surrounding my grandmother having difficuly settling into her new living situation. Hopefully things will improve on all front this week.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“baseball commentator holy cow”

“song words for nottingham forest”

“she was fantasizing about”

“history of how we got to dog pampering”

“wedding jeff woman girl”

“virgin prunes t-shirt”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

a cure not to be sneezed at

2006-05-05T12:27:00.000+01:00

“Pucker up there honey I’ll be right with you…”

And there was I thinking I had tried everything to prevent my annual bout of hay fever. If only I knew sooner about this study brought to light by those reliable folks at Ananova's Quriky files…

A snog can 'cure hayfever'

A new study says a passionate 30-minute kiss can help relieve the misery of hayfever.

Researchers found kissing relaxes the sufferer and reduces production of histamine which triggers hayfever.

A team at Satou Hospital in Japan told 24 men and women with hayfever to spend 30 minutes kissing their partners while listening to soft music.

The experiment was repeated with cuddles but not kisses. Blood samples showed a significant drop in antibodies fighting the allergens after the kissing session but no response at all to cuddling.

The same happened in patients with atopic dermatitis, a skin condition also triggered by allergies.

Research leader Dr Hajime Kimata said:
"These results indicate for the first time that kissing may alleviate allergic responses."

Well, there it is, ladies, cast iron proof. You can be sure I have it printed out to carry around with me in case of a sudden attack in public, depending of course on who is in the viscinity…

Two questions arise [pardon the pun] from this story for me:

1) Is the research leader male or female, and
2) Who would be willing to kiss someone with red eyes and a stuffed up nose?

gateway to allah

2006-05-04T09:42:00.000+01:00

Aide : Mr President, I think you should take a look at this photograph.

Dubya : Gee whiz, can't you see I'm busy? Ive seen hundreds of these goddam satellite photos from Iraqi mosques before - why would I wanna look at this one?

Aide : That's just it, Mr President - this is not taken from Iraq, it's from outside a police station here in Washington.

Dubya : Huh? What are they all doing there?

Aide : They're waiting to give their statements claiming that they were somehow involved in 9/11, sir.

bitesize bullets

2006-05-01T12:52:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
YET ANOTHER BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND…

• ACCOMPLISHED : Last week was a big one for me – on Tuesday, my divorce was finalised by a judge, then on Saturday, I made the big move for my grandmother to her sheltered accommodation an hour from Dublin. She seems to be settling in ok so far – fingers crossed.

• NEXTBLOGGING : I just hit the “Next Blog” and it led me here. Seems like a respectable personal blog by a lady from Canada. Shame about the overly self-deprecating profile tagline, however. There’s a brief interesting post down the page about Mick Jagger’s plans to star in a sitcom.

• LYRICAL :
“When yer lonely and you start to hear
The little voices in your head at night
You will only sniff away the tears
So you can dance until the morning light
At what price?”

Oasis, “Sunday Morning Call”, taken from “Standing on the Shoulders of Giants”

• CHARLIE : Speaking of Oasis, I used to think I always got the hidden references in the show “Lost”, but only recently did I realise what was represented by the Charlie character. He’s supposed to be a junkie in a band from Manchester with his brother Liam? Duh!

• WEIGHT : Although I did well last autumn with a weight-loss regime, since Christmas I have fallen off the wagon somewhat. Time to go back to keeping a record of my progress here. Let’s just call “x” my current weight and see how much I can shed in the coming weeks.

• BLAIR : It is nine years to the day since Tony Blair came to power in Britain. Surely with all that is happening his days as prime minister are numbered– not only are his senior colleagues involved in various scandals but there is also the small matter of Iraq.

• CORLEONE : Even if it is tongue-in-cheek, I can’t help but be flattered by fellow Irish blogger Paige (or is it Roisín?) A Harrison’s post where she refers to me as “The Godfather”. It came after an interesting series of comments following her piece on Irish blogging phenomenon Twenty Major.

• TUNES : Though many bands from the 80s sound dated today, I guarantee you the Housemartins’ debut album “London-0 Hull-4”, currently in my car stereo, would still be a hit if released now. Their singer Pd Heaton went on to form The Beautiful South while drummer Norman Cook turned into FatBoy Slim.

• STATWATCH : This blog has taken a relative surge of hits lately, eventually tipping over the 15,000 mark courtesy of someone from India. The returning visitors stats are also holding steady which is a good sign. The Irish blog just passed 8,500 as well.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“man pampering”

“play roberto baggio game”

“sex word of the day”

“diego maradona pronunciations”

“matt santos liberal quote”

“arsenal are like jordan too many foreign implants” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

all the right ingredients

2006-04-28T07:50:00.000+01:00

Shaggy XII > Knackered Kaz

I’m the kind of blogger – scratch that – I’m the kind of PERSON who likes to make things difficult.

If something looks too easy, I presume there must be some flaw or other, so I tend to look for all the alternatives first, which produces either an overly complicated result, or no result at all.

But enough about me.

I admire people who can just get out there and do something and make it work. In the realm of blogging, this means taking what could seem on the surface as an ordinary occurrence in the household and fashioning it into a damn entertaining post.

This is one of the rare occassions I get to give a “Shaggy” award to someone I have actually met. And so, with all roadblocks to any further ado firmly in place, I would now like to award the Twelfth Shagadelic Contribution to Blogland Award to Knackered Kaz from “Life’s A Bastard…and then you die” for her excellent offering “Nigella Lawson, I ain’t!”

There are not many writers out there who would be able to find humour in a family meal. In this post Kaz has managed to combine all the right ingredients and I’m sure you will agree that once you tuck into it you will be going back for more and dying to know the recipe.

OK – I’d better not get carried away with the culinary puns. Bravo, Kaz, take a bow.

On a side note, though I know Kaz is not responsible for this, I’ve always wondered why “bastard” is popularly used as the male equivalent of “bitch”…

you can call me andy

2006-04-26T09:48:00.000+01:00

The divorce went through without a hitch yesterday. I will definitely blog about it soon, but there is still a lot of work to be done on other things before I will have the time. Instead, I will republish this poem I wrote last year when I saw the movie "The Shawshank Redemption" and noticed several correlations to my current predicament. Let's just say - now I'm free.

Hi there nice to meet you
My name is Andy Dufresne
Yeah just like the guy outta that movie
You know, the one with the jail
Well that’s me
I’m inside for something I didn’t do
So what if everyone in here says that
I don’t care about everyone
I care about me
I’ve been guilty of many things
But I'm not guilty of what got me here
And it’s a long stretch
The screws give me grief whenever they can
It’s not because they hate me
It’s because they hate their jobs
The warden gives me grief whenever he can
It’s not because he hates me
It’s because he hates himself
But even though they give me grief
They need me cos I got smarts
I got smarts so they want me here
But what they don’t know is
I got more smarts than they know
I got enough smarts to get out of here
You see, I have a plan
Not only do I have the plan, and the smarts
I have the determination
I’d crawl through 500 yards of sewers to get out of here
This place is one big human sewer anyway
What difference is five football fields of it gonna make
But it’s not what’s in here that makes me wanna leave
It’s what’s out there
The possibilities
The freedom
It’s been so long now
My imagination is running wild
It should be me that runs wild
It won’t be long now
When the weather is just right
The booming thunder will beckon me
The driving rain will beckon me
Never before will such a miserable night
Have been so inviting
So inspiring
So beautiful
Oh to rip these prison clothes from my body
Oh to let the driving rain cleanse my body
Oh to hold my hands aloft and taste my destiny
Oh to be free

© JL Pagano 2005

bitesize bullets

2006-04-24T10:47:00.000+01:00

NB : I tried all bloody day Monday to publish this - was anyone else having the same trouble?

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
IS IT COOL TO WISH PEOPLE LUCK WITH THEIR DIVORCE?…

• BUSY : Even if it isn’t cool, I’d appreciate it if you wished me luck anyway – this is a big week for me in that not only do I have my divorce hearing, I will also be moving my grandmother to her new accommodation so hopefully it will all work out ok.

• TUNES : Though I have seen the Kinks in concert, they were actually the support act and you’ll never guess who was the headline – ZZ Top! They were free tickets, by the way. Honest! Ray Davies and the boys have their greatest hits playing in my car this weather.

• PONDER : If “beggars can’t be choosers” then why do lobby groups, which are practically begging organizations from the private sector, hold so much sway over the democratic process? Probably because nobody ever speaks for the biggest lobby group of all, the general public or when they try, they are often ridiculed.

• NEXTBLOGGING : This week’s NextBlog excursion was quite interesting. For someone who has published lyrics myself, I appreciate blogs like this one, though they perhaps could do more to explain what’s going on when you first log on to the site. I liked the explanation further down of the phrase “memento mori”.

• LYRICAL : “Your blouse, your skirt
I’ll undo them so gently
With beautiful care
I’m a lonely man
With five bottles of wine
I’d like you to share”

David Gray, “Debauchery”, taken from “A Century Ends”

• HUFF : Despite an excellent first year, it was apparently touch and go whether Hank Azaria’s psychological series “Huff” would be renewed. Judging from season 2 so far, I’d definitely keep it going indefinitely – it’s right up there with Six Feet Under and the Sopranos for impressive cable drama.

• LINK : This week’s link shout-out goes to Aine Livia who has judged via her Midnight Court that both of my blogs are worth referencing. Sorry if I seem a bit obsessed with court and judges this week!

• HAUNTLESS : I’m not sure which was more annoying about going to watch “An American Haunting” – the fact that kids beside us thought they could act as though they were in their living room, or the fact that Bambi was scarier. We told them to shut up, but we shouldn’t have to.

• UNLINK : I’m not sure what the etiquette is for this, but last week I noticed I had been removed from the link list of two award-winning Irish bloggers. I guess I should just come out and ask them why - I really didn’t think I did much here to cause offence.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“willow park opera dowling”

“who starred in rescue me”

“grudge throat rattling”

“ms o'leary's cow song words”

“envelope rubber band joke”

“virgin mega store dundrum my space” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

bare minimum

2006-04-21T08:46:00.000+01:00

Hi folks,

I have a lot on my plate this weather, so I'm going to have to change my blogging habits for a while. The first casualty has to be the World Cup posts I've been doing on Fridays. I toyed with the idea of putting an end to blogging altogether until I have more time to do it properly, but then I gave in to the fact that the cold turkey would be too much to bear!

And so, for the forseeable future, the "bitesize bullets" feature is all you will see on this blog, though I may fill in the gaps with some re-published bits from my archives. Over on my Irish site, I will continue my monday media review plus the weekend sports.

When I do have more time I hope to completely revamp my contribution to the blogosphere. But for right now, I'm sure you'll understand that there's a little thing called the real world that's far more important. I'll be sure to tell you all about it in good time.

Thanks again for dropping by.

extra! extra! read all about it!

2006-04-19T10:14:00.000+01:00

I reckon this picture of Sean O'Casey bridge in Dublin was taken close to where they had their cameras set up for the scenes filmed at City Quay. If so, that's the biggest I will probably appear on the big screen in the final production.

THE SEQUEL

So here is part two of my LifeSlice story about my film “career”. If you missed the first instalment you will find it here.

I left things just as I was being taken up the stairs and towards where they were filming for the first time. Though there was a lot of activity on the first landing I was taken even further up into the heavens toward the second one. There was electrical equipment strewn all over the corridor up there and people scurrying to and fro. Sarah directed me into one of the rooms near the top of the stairs.

Upon entering I could see it was set up to look like a bedroom from the mental institution. My fellow male nurse extra Hertz van Rental was standing beside the bed plus another guy in white who apparently was a professional actor. Lying on the bed was a kid of college student age and he was being strapped down as I arrived. I stood there for a few minutes taking it all in wondering what I was supposed to do.

There was a one chap barking out instructions in a deep southern English accent. I presumed it was John Boorman himself, but it turned out it was the 1st Assistant director. I will refer to him as Charlie. He and the actor chap were going over how he was to use the fake needle he had in his hand. Then the kid on the bed started flailing around a bit on the bed as Actor and Hertz began to practise doing the straps around him. I presumed I was eventually meant to get involved in the restraining. I was SO wrong…

At one stage as Charlie was moving around the bed to perfect the shot he stood on my foot. Despite the size of me, that was the first time he realised I was there. After apologizing, he asked me my name and then told me he needed me to go into the next room. At first I thought I had been banished for getting in the way. However when I got there I realised what he had in mind.

For some reason the rooms were only half separated by walls. From about four feet off the ground there was a window which was opaque for about a foot then clear the rest of the way up. Charlie wanted me to press my face up close to the opaque part of the glass to simulate someone looking through from the adjoining room to notice what was happening to the patient on the bed.

And so I put my face up close to the glass, but seemingly it was not close enough. One of the other guys came in and demonstrated exactly what I was to do. He put me into the crouching position I explained right at the very start of the first part of my story. My biggest dilemma was keeping the uniform clean. Though he wanted me to press my chest right up against the wall, I told him about the no-leaning ban so he said to get as close as I could instead.

If you tried that position as I instructed, you will realise it was awkward. Imagine what it felt like standing there for several minutes! When I was put into the pose the guy left to go back into the main room. Another chap ran back into me with electrical tape and put marks on the floor where my feet were. It gave me the impression that I was being used merely for positioning, but nobody told me to get out of the pose.

Through the window I could hear much mumbled discussion. Then I could see what was clearly the figure of Brendan Gleeson arrive in dressed as a patient. The college kid who was obviously also being used for positioning got up and let the main man lie on the bed. Then I was told to take a step to the left, so I complied and assumed I was still required to stand as I was. I wondered if they knew they would have to move the tape at my feet.

The minutes ticked by, and from my perspective I had no idea what was going on. Though my face was close up to the glass, I was extremely self conscious about my breath fogging up the window and affecting the shot whenever they were going to do it. A couple of times different people came in and made slight adjustments to my stance. I must have been there a good fifteen minutes all told before anything happened.

Then finally someone yelled “Rolling!”, a yell which was echoed by others right the way back down the stairs. From my limited view up against the window I saw everyone get into position so I held my breath one more time. Eventually I heard the famous cry of “Action!” and Hertz and the professional actor began doing their thing. Gleeson started flailing wildly on the bed and they strapped him down. I could see the camera moving slowly towards him and the light aspect was changing behind him.

Finally, came “Cut!” I was asked to move back to my right. They did the whole thing again. And again. And again. The more I stood there in my weird position, the more of a prat I felt, but I figured that was all part of the process so I guess I really didn’t mind.

Finally I heard someone from the corridor say that I could come out. When I emerged from the room I could see an elderly man seated in front of a monitor. Now I know I can be paranoid at the best of times, but all the people around him were definitely giving me that look you get when someone had said something funny about you. I doubt it was anything derogatory, I assume the man, who turned out to be John Boorman, made some remark which was empathising with my contorted part in that particular scene.

Sarah’s colleague Chris was at the top of the stairs, and he told me to go “to where the others were located”. I took that to mean the extras room from where I had been originally summonsed, so I went all the way back down there. When I arrived, however, the room was empty. Now I started to think I had made a balls of the whole thing and was about to be politely told I was done for the day. Luckily, that WAS just me being paranoid.

Chris appeared at the door and said “What are you doing all the way down here?” Seemingly he meant for me to go to the first landing, where they were to film another shot. And so I went with him back up the stairs and lo and behold there were the other two male nurses, Mr Extra and Billy the Kid. They told me all the other extras who were kitted out as patients, were in one of the other rooms shooting a scene. Seemingly they did not need us just yet but we were to be on standby.

That was about two thirty in the afternoon. At seven in the evening, they called a wrap on the day. In that time, all the male nurses did was wait. After about an hour we decided to flout the no-sitting regulations. Between idle chatter between takes and staring blankly out the window, there was not much else to be done. Pretty much anything out of the ordinary became interesting after a while.

One thing I noticed was that as well as “Rolling”, “Action” and “Cut”, they would also occasionally call “Stop the Traffic!” When I looked out the window onto the South Circular Road I could see that there were two gardaí doing just that when so required. I guess Bono was wrong, and it’s not just rock ‘n roll that stops the traffic!

It was also interesting watching John Boorman’s face as a scene was being shot. He always sat outside the room looking at the monitor, and you could always tell by his face whether or not a particular take was worth keeping.

Then at one stage the pseudo-mental patients were sent for a short break down to the extras room. As they filed down the stairs someone above from the set which was one flight up dropped quite a heavy piece of equipment down the gap between the banisters all the way to the ground floor. Luckily it went straight down and made its loud crash without hitting anyone. There was a collective silence for a few moments was even quieter than a take from the shooting.

Alas the only other thing of interest from the afternoon was Charlie and a few of his associates staring out the window trying to ascertain which way the clouds were going to move so they would have sufficient light. The rest of us were just sitting around staring blankly into space. I suppose it was all hardest for Billy the Kid. At least Hertz and I got a bit of action, and Mr Extra had seen it all before. Billy threatened to go home several times, but we told him he was mad to do so since you would not be paid unless you had your docket signed by either Chris or Sarah at the end of the day.

Speaking of Chris and Sarah, and one point an older blonde lady walked up to Sarah and whispered in her ear. I was well into my trance of having been waiting in the same spot for hours, and I was drawn to noticing that the lady looked like an older version of Sarah herself. Just as it was occurring to me that it could be her mother, the lady walked away, and Chris walked up to Sarah and whispered, “Hey, you know what, she looks like she could be your mother!”

I guess the point of telling you about this incident was just how little it took to seem interesting, what with all the waiting around. I let out a loud gasp to show how weird I found it that Chris thought exactly the same as I did. He pointed to my reaction to prove to Sarah that he was not the only one to hold this view. She said that she had never met that woman before and quickly ran after her to see what she looked like!

Yes, the afternoon really was that boring. Finally, around seven, I heard the phrase “OK, everyone, that’s a wrap!” Thank God for that. The rumours throughout the extras room as we were leaving was that the male nurse scenes would be shot the following morning, and we were to be there at 7am.

And so it was time to come home and tell Sandra all about the day. Then around 10pm I get a call – it’s Chris. Funnily enough he introduced himself as “Hi, this is Chris from the film production of A Tiger’s Tail!” Er - yes sir, I do happen to recall where I was earlier that day!

Anyway – he asked me if my face had actually been used in shot that day. I guess I should have just said no, but instead I went the long way round and tried to explain what I had actually done. He cut me off mid sentence with a “so that’s no then” and told me I didn’t have to come in until one the following afternoon. Not only would it be a shorter day, but it would be more money since this time, they did need my car.

The second day was not only shorter, but a lot less interesting than the first, and that’s REALLY saying something. Around three o’clock the whole crew packed up and moved up to Collins’ barracks which was where the driving shots were going to be taken. The entrance to the premises was done up to look like that of a mental institution. All I had to do was drive back and forth up the Arbor Hill road and honk at people as they tried to cross the road.

Funniest part of the second day was being given directions from one location to the other. Sarah nominated one of the other drivers to give directions to the group. He was a short Dublin man in his late forties I’d reckon, and as he looked squarely at just one of the other drivers, this is something like the directions he gave:

“Well ya know da road dat leads up ta Kilmainham? Yeah, that one. Just take dat, then ya know the way ya toorn right den left den roight again, den straight on dowun, den its over the bridge and, yeah, ya know when ya toorn roight den left again at da pub on da corner der, well Arbor Hill is roight on yer left after dat!”

I was standing right behind the guy he was giving these wonderful instructions to, and apparently the look of confusion on my face was a source of amusement to everyone. When he finished I just said, “In other words, everyone follow this guy.” It was ok, sure I knew the way anyway.

And so we drove back and forth past Brendan Gleeson and the other mental patients for a couple of hours, when it wasn’t pouring rain that is. Billy the Kid was actually used this time as a male nurse escorting the patients out of the hospital, so he was happy.

Around half past five, we wrapped. I got my docket signed, and so my movie career was over. Or so I thought.

Having composed the first half of my blog post last Wednesday, I decided to let the Easter weekend pass before I finished it off. Then, as I was out drinking on Saturday night, my phone rang. Once leaving the pub so I could hear, I found out it was Sarah asking me could I do another couple of days’ shooting. This time it was to be downtown at City Quay beside the new Sean O’Casey pedestrian bridge. It wasn’t to be until eleven am, so I agreed to forego both my Easter Sunday and Monday.

I only need one paragraph to describe the two days. Apart from a bit of walking back and forth over the bridge as Brendan Gleeson ran past, together with a bit of driving in loops back and forth across the river Liffey, the bulk of the two days was spent waiting around the double decker bus that had been converted to house the extras on the set, which was located behind the Grant Thornton building on the quays.

So now, I reckon my movie career is well and truly over for now. All I can say is that even though it is nowhere near as glamorous as it sounds, even when you do get to be on set, it is definitely a worthwhile experience.

If it sounds like something you want to do and you live in Ireland, I recommend you sign up with www.MovieExtra.ie – you can tell them exactly when you would be available so that if they do get in touch, you can be sure it will be for something you can do. They need people of all ages and of all shapes and sizes. You even get a few extra quid in your pocket to go with it.

Just don’t be surprised if you are waiting around for long periods of time. You realise quickly that you are at the very bottom of the pecking order to those around you, though in this case at least, they do what they can to accommodate you – I was never found wanting for refreshments and the like. If I were asked and I had the time, I would definitely do it all again.

Now all I have to do is wait until Autumn 2006/Spring 2007 for the big release and see if my mug somehow gets its way into shot.

Click here for a full list of the "Lifeslice" stories

bitesize bullets

2006-04-17T20:19:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
I AM TOLD THE BUNNIES AND EGGS ARE BOTH FERTILITY SYMBOLS…

• UPCOMING : For those of you on tenderhooks for the conclusion of “Extra! Extra! Read All About It!” which I started last week, I will publish it on Wednesday. I generally think it best not to publish much more than 2000 words in one day so I split the story in two.

• RISING : Even though it is a predominately Catholic country, when Irish people use the phrase “Easter Rising”, it has nothing to do with Jesus Christ whatsoever. They are referring to an attempted rebellion against the English in 1916. Alas, fifty words are nowhere near enough to explain its consequences. Try here.

• HOLIDAY : An even more significant non-religious consequence of Easter for Irish people is the fact that it results in that amazing event known as a “Bank Holiday weekend”, which basically means the entire country shuts down for over a week! Well it takes a long time to pray you know!

• TUNES : In keeping with the “one album wonder” theme I started last week, I now listen to a cassette called “Infected” by a group with the innovative name of “The The”. By the way, this feature could last a while – I have about 600 cassettes to choose from!

• LINK : I have a very easy choice for my link shout-out this week. Muchos gracias to Fiona at Mental Meanderings for her kind words about these very bitesize bullets last Monday. It sent quite a high volume of blog traffic in my direction.

• NEXTBLOGGING : I forgot about this feature the last two weeks! This time hitting the “Next Blog” button brought me here. It’s obviously set up to promote one of Madeira’s swinging hotspots. For the life of me I can’t work out why they think this blog will bring them business.

• DEPRAVITY : I will let your imagination get to work on the kind of Google phrases I must leave out of my final bullet every week. Suffice to say their depraved searches all include the word “shag”. I sincerely hope they DON’T find what they are looking for, the sick bastards.

• RENTAL : Last week’s DVD rental by mail was called “Red Eye” and starred Irishman Cillian Murphy as the principal baddie. His American accent is impressive, and the plot keeps you going, but there’s a major anticlimax. Still, I’d say it’s just about worth renting overall.

• LYRICAL :
“And I must be
An acrobat
To talk like this
And act like that
And you can dream
So dream out loud
…don’t let the bastards grind you down”

U2, “Acrobat”, from “Achtung Baby”

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“failed driving test three times”

“easter clues hunts poems”

“where does the term bleeding heart liberal come from?”

“what is the proper way to carry a rugby ball”

“male nurse veteran poem”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-04-14T10:27:00.000+01:00

8 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

Now it’s time to go over the eight first round groups one by one and try and predict how I think they will pan out. The results I predict here will eventually become real bets with PaddyPower.com as I try to put my money where my analytical mouth is.

GROUP B : COULD THIS BE ENGLAND’S YEAR?

With four world-class players at key positions, it’s hard not to consider England as one of the tournament favourites.

Naturally, no sport is ever played on paper. However, as any fan anxiously awaits the start of a particular event, it is the only available playing field.

Having examined the 32 teams, and having committed myself to going out on a limb and predict an overall winner of the tournament, I won’t make many fans here in Ireland when I say I think this is the year England can go all the way. It’s quite ironic that I hold this view really, since this is a weekend when Ireland is celebrating 90 years since a band of rebels tried to get rid of the English from these shores for good!

Maybe I am biased as I follow the English club league week by week, but I reckon this is definitely the best squad they have brought to the finals in all the years I have been watching them. And they appear to be at their strongest in all the central positions, as you can see from my picture, and it is said that all the great teams have world-class players down the middle.

It is also said, however, that just one player can make the difference to any team between success and near success, and this year, I feel England have that player in one Wayne Rooney. I have seen him play again and again over the last couple of years and I am in no doubt that he has all of the ability to become one of the game’s all time great players. And if you are in any doubt as to how can handle the highest level, you need only look back at the European Championships back in Portugal in 2004.

At the tender age of 18, he was the leading light of England’s charge through that tournament, and amazingly the moment he was injured and could not continue, they were eliminated. I remain convinced to this day that if he had remained fit, England would have won, and would be natural favourites this year.

In many ways I suppose it suits them that many presume they will under-achieve. English soccer fans have had to get used to year after year of disappointment at the highest level since their World Cup victory on home soil back in 1966, and every year they seem to have one incident to point to by way of an excuse for their demise, be it the lottery of a penalty shoot-out or of course, the famous “Hand of God”.

Although the knockout stages are notoriously hard to predict, given the relative ease of their first round group, with the only real challenge apprearing to come from Sweden, which is ironically the birthplace of England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson, I can see them building up a head of steam in the first couple of games which will make all opponents wary should they have to face them.

Of course I mean no disrespect to any Paraguayans or Trinidadians out there!

Given all of this, I present to you my predictions for Group B.

June 10 England v Paraguay 2-0
June 10 Trinidad & Tobago v Sweden 1-1
June 15 England v Trinidad & Tobago 1-0
June 15 Sweden v Paraguay 1-1
June 20 Sweden v England 2-1
June 20 Paraguay v Trinidad & Tobago 4-1

One of the quirks of these four-team groups is that in the first four out of six games, if you win your two while the other two end in draws, you clinch first place before anyone plays their third game. I predict this will happen to England so they can rest their top players for their final encounter with their coach’s fellow countrymen, who will grab the second spot. Though any seasoned World Cup tipster will claim that you rule out the so-called “weaker” nations at your peril, I don’t see a surprise coming from this group.

Next week – GROUP C : THE GROUP OF DEATH

extra! extra! read all about it!

2006-04-12T10:04:00.000+01:00

If you haven’t seen “The General” which is another Boorman/Gleeson combo, I suggest you put that right asap.

If you have a spare few seconds, stand up. Find a space on a wall with room for you to stand right up against it.

Now go as close as you can to the wall without touching it, and crouch down with your legs spread apart so that your head is roughly where your sternum would be if you were upright. Now hold your hands up in the air as though someone was pointing a gun at you. Thank you. Now you can read the rest of my story, just keep in mind that position you were just in.

About two years ago I signed up on a website known as MovieExtras.ie, which is exactly what the name suggests. You give your details together with a relevant photo and supposedly the production companies will all be beating a path to your door for their various projects.

In all the time since I first signed up, I would say that I got a total of three actual offers of work, and for one reason or another I was unable to honour any of them. It got to a point where I decided not to pay my annual subscription fee last September since I presumed it was an area where you needed to know someone who knew someone to get anywhere.

Then, out of the blue came an email followed by a text message, saying that there was a film shoot that required extras plus their cars for a bit of driving. Just for the hell of it I replied saying that I would do it. I have been dealing with a lot of headwrecking stuff recently and this seemed to be just the thing to take my mind off of it all.

The first day of shooting was to be my birthday on March 21st, but when I didn’t hear anything from them, I presumed that either they didn’t need me or they realised the oversight of my unpaid subscription. The following Monday, however, I got a message on my phone.

“Hi, this is Sarah from Tiger’s Tail, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in being an extra in our production on both Thursday and Friday of this week. Please ring me back at this number if you’re available.”

I have to admit I was a bit of a chicken at first. Since I mind my own kids on those days every week, I managed to use that together with the fact that I would probably be eventually uncovered as a non-payer as excuses to reply in the negative. But shortly after I got that message, I happened to also check my emails.

As well as an email version of the same offer from Sarah, there was one from my mother. For the past year I have been trying to get her to weigh in on my plans to re-house my grandmother, with absolutely nothing constructive being ventured in reply. Now, having found accommodation for her, she decided to weigh in and suggest that the whole thing was a bad idea.

Now that the camel’s back was well and truly broken, I was convinced that this extra thing was just what I needed to take my mind off of everything for a couple of days. I first called MyX and told her I needed to change around my days with the kids, and she duly agreed. Then it was time to ring Sarah.

Apparently they did not need drivers for this particular stint. She told me that the movie starred Brendan Gleeson, and was set in a mental institution, and they needed male nurses. Seemingly I fit the bill because of my height. They were shooting at the abandoned John Player cigarette factory near the centre of Dublin city, and I was to be there at 9:45 on the Thursday morning.

Over the next couple of days, I went through the typical mixture of excitement and trepidation that you normally experience when faced with something completely unknown. My kids thought I was going to be a movie star – I toyed with the idea of letting them think that for a while before deciding to let them know that my part was to be a very small one and I may not even appear in the final production. Luckily my daughter then said: “That doesn’t matter, Daddy, it’s still cool!”

On the Thursday morning I got myself ready and gave Sandra a lift into work before going to the set. Just after she got out of the car, I got a text message from a number I didn’t know. Here’s what it read:

“Hey! Please be sure and have white underwear with you this morning!”

Now THERE’S a message you don’t get every day, I thought. Unfortunately my underwear-colour decision was a done deal at this point, so I had to stop off at the Crumlin Shopping Centre en route and get a cheapo pair of white briefs. It was as I was waiting in line to make my purchase that I came up with the title of the blog post which was always going to be written after this experience.

Eventually I found parking close to the factory, and bang on 9:45 I tentatively walked through the front door. There was equipment lying around and people walking in all directions, with the exception of one big student-type bloke who was standing at the bottom of a long winding staircase in the foyer. I asked for Sarah, and he led me to a room deep into the factory with had a piece of paper with “EXTRAS HOLDING ROOM” on the wall beside the door.

First to catch my eye in the room was Sarah. Maybe it was because she was holding a clipboard and sported a secret-service-style earpiece, maybe it was because she was a good-looking blonde; you can decide that one. She introduced herself and asked me to help myself to coffee and wait there with the others. It was then that I realized there were at least a dozen people in the room most of whom had similar nervous dispositions to me, which set me at ease.

After chatting to the fellow extras, I realised I was one of four male nurses for the shoot that day. My colleagues included [not real names of course] Hertz Van Rental, Mr Extra and Billy the Kid.

Hertz was a burly South African in his early forties. Apparently he had been called for the rehearsal shoots in Ardmore Studios, and he seemed to be a nice enough bloke. I gave Mr Extra his moniker because he seemed to be a seasoned veteran of this particular pastime, and he after telling us about all his previous experiences he kept pretty much to himself. Billy was the youngest, I’d say early twenties at the oldest, and he was the chattiest of the bunch.

In the holding room there was a makeup girl and a hair stylist chap. After making the extras who were slated to be mental patients look good and crazy, she came over to check out the prospective nurses. She began by staring at my face.

“You seem grand. I see you shaved this morning. Yes, you’re ok.”

“Why thank you,” I replied with a wink.

As it turned out, we all fitted the bill. Then after an hour of sitting and small talk, a girl with clothes draped over her arm came in and said:

“OK, who here is going to be a male nurse?”

The four of us stood up. She told us to sit down again.

“It’s ok, lads, I just wanted to let you know that you won’t be getting into your uniforms until the very last minute before the shoot. They are completely white, so once you are in them you won’t be able to sit down or lean against a wall or anything, ok?”

That was fine by us. A few of the others wanted to smoke and since it was a sunny morning we all decided to go out into the area behind the building to wait for our call to get ready. Outside we saw a car park, plus everything you would expect to see on a film set – lorries filled with equipment, old double decker buses, and, of course, a line of trailers.

During the course of our chatting while waiting I learned a bit more about the movie and what it was about. Seemingly the flick is to be called “A Tiger’s Tail” [NOT “Tale” I am reliably informed] and stars Gleeson who is to play two roles – a man in a mental institution, plus his “twin brother” who is a successful businessman but who apparently is in his imagination. I was also interested to learn that the director was the great John Boorman, though if pressed I could not have told you what the man looked like.

Of course the biggest curiosity among our group was the actual set itself and what it was like. Billy the Kid told us how he had arrived way too early and accidentally wandered upstairs close to where they were shooting, only to be quickly directed to the holding room. Still, I could not help but have this fascination about what the set actually looked like, and I was very eager at this stage to get a look at it.

Alas, I was forced to wait a while. Scratch that, it wasn’t just a while – it seemed like an eternity. When noon came around I suggested to the others that it was highly unlikely that we would be involved in anything before lunch. Sure enough I was right. At one o’clock the wardrobe girl told us it was time for food and that things should definitely get moving at two.

Then a load of people started coming out of the building, and clearly they had just been at the Valhalla which was the film set. We were told to wait for them to get their lunch before we stood in line. As we waited, I got my first glimpse of Brendan Gleeson himself. I was tempted to take a picture with my phone to send to Sandra, mostly to appease her constant text messages which said things like “What’s it like so far?” and “Have you seen him yet?”. I thought better of it, however.

The lunch was impressive, steak and chips was my choice out of the three options, with apple crumble for dessert. While on the “extra’s bus” eating our meal, we overheard someone say that Kim Cattral [aka Samantha Jones from Sex In The City] was also in the movie. I nearly fell over myself to text Sandra, neglecting of course to include the information that she would not be on set either of the two days!

True to her word, bang on two, the wardrobe girl gave us our whiter-than-white costumes, and directed us to our communal trailer. Of the four of us, I was the only one to give accurate measurements, and the other lads had to have alterations made. Luckily the top was long enough so as to make the cheap briefs unnecessary, so I didn't even try changing into them. Once we were resplendent in our male-nurse whiteness, Sarah called us into the building.

As the four of us were strolling along towards the back entrance, I made what I thought was a pretty witty comment that we must look like Reservoir Dogs in reverse with our white garb, but I guess nobody picked up on it because they were as nervous as I was.

Sarah led us back into the Extras holding room and we were to wait there until called. This was where our no-sitting, no-leaning ban began to take effect. We were standing there like lemons for about half an hour. At least the mental patients were allowed to sit down in their dressing gowns!

Then Sarah appeared at the door, and called Hertz to join her, saying they only needed one Extra for now. I turned to the other lads and suggested that it was quite possible we would not be involved at all in shooting that day, but at least we would be paid no matter what.

No sooner did I have those words out of my mouth than Sarah reappeared at the door and said,

“Well, it turns out they need a second nurse after all, how about you? Want to follow me?”

Yes, she was pointing at me. I guess this was to be it. I followed her back to the foyer, up the winding staircase and into Valhalla.

TO BE CONTINUED…

bitesize bullets

2006-04-10T11:48:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
I STILL DON’T GET THE CONNECTION BETWEEN BUNNIES AND EGGS…

• THANKS… : …to everyone who commented in response to the “My Own Personal D-Day” post last week. Though we all have various forms of baggage in our lives, I find it helps to vent on my blog from time to time, and this was no exception. The feedback was very helpful.

• TUNES : You’ve heard of one hit wonders, well this week’s occupant of my car stereo is definitely a “one album wonder”. An excellent blend of eighties pop/rock tracks throughout (most notably “Mary”) it’s a shame The Four Of Us never properly capitalized on their “Songs For The Tempted” collection.

• LINK : I had a good week for new linkers to my Irish blog, so a big shout-out must go to Plurabella, Ms Ann Thrope and Arrogant Cow [her choice of name not mine!] for adding me to their blog-roll. As always, I’m happy to return the favour.

• ADDICTIVE : I must apologize in advance for introducing you to this game if it ends up keeping you hooked for hours. Just take solace in the fact that you are not alone. Here is pictorial proof that I eventually managed to score 27 in Optus Tennis.

• LENT : As Easter approaches, I recall two original responses to the age old Catholic question : “What are you giving up for Lent?”. One was : “I’ve decided to give up giving up stuff”, while another was “I’ve given up drinking for Lent, and instead will be doing it for Height”.

• CLOUSEAU : My daughter has been raving about how she enjoyed the latest Steve Martin flick “The Pink Panther” but I’m a die hard who insists that only the portrayal by Peter Sellers will do. I bought the DVD set yesterday to try and convert her, alas it was to no avail.

• LYRICAL :
“I went to a shrink
To analyse my dreams
She says it’s lack of sex
That’s bringing me down
I went to a whore
He says my life’s a bore
And quit my whining
Cos it’s bringing him down”

Green Day, “Basket Case”, from “Dookie”

• 24 : I now know why I keep watching this show even though it bugs me. Though the plot is good enough that I am left wanting to see what happens in the next episode, once I find out, I simply don’t care anymore. I wonder if that affects DVD sales.

• STATWATCH : Though the numbers of daily hits to this blog are dwindling, I was still proud to have passed the 14,000 mark last week. As the saying goes, you always feel fondly about your first, and I’m sure that applies to blogs as well…

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“backyard nudity”

“guten abend what does it mean”

“blackrock college posh”

“oral pap”

“fancy a shag carlsberg text message” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-04-07T07:54:00.000+01:00

9 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

Now it’s time to go over the eight first round groups one by one and try and predict how I think they will pan out. The results I predict here will eventually become real bets with PaddyPower.com as I try to put my money where my analytical mouth is.

GROUP A : HOSTING THE FINALS – BLESSING OR CURSE?

Though he was a hero for my Spurs even though they never won anything with him at the club, I doubt the German fans will feel the same about his reign as national manager.

I can think of three different ways you can approach the answer to the question which is on many football follower’s lips : “How will the host nation do at this year’s World Cup finals?”

First, you would have the response of a casual observer, who would no doubt speculate that playing in front of their home crowd would have to give the Germans an edge over the other 31 participants in the tournament.

Then, you would have the more season football supporter, who would be aware of the form guide and be able to tell you that with the exception of Michael Ballack, they have produced very little in the way of world class players over the past decade or so. They would also tell you that apart from the obvious advantages to the local economy, being the host nation carries with it a number of hidden drawbacks, for example, an immense amount of pressure to win it all, as well as a lack of competitive preparation in the months leading up to the finals as the hosts gain automatic qualification.

Pessimism over Germany’s chances can also be supported by the fact that the job of national team coach was something of a poisoned chalice when it went on offer after the European Championships in 2004. There are a number of quality homegrown coaches out there, most notably Ottmar Hitzfeld as well as Otto Rehhagel, who actually led Greece to victory in 2004. Neither of them were willing to step forward, however, and eventually the post was accepted by former goal-scoring hero Jurgen Klinsmann, who had no previous managerial experience, and who also was allowed to assume his new role while himself being based in California. It didn’t exactly augur well for a successful German campaign.

Finally, you have my perspective. If there is one rule of thumb I have learned over the years following the World Cup finals, it’s this : “Never, EVER, rule out the Germans.” This fact was borne out in 2002 when despite a succession of extremely average performances, they still got all the way to the final where they succumbed to Brazil. I firmly believe that though they will more than likely make heavy weather of the first round, Germany will squeak through and once you get out of your group, anything can happen.

Just in case you don’t know, maybe I should tell you how the World Cup final tournament works before I go on. The 32 qualifiers are drawn into eight groups of four teams. You play everyone in your group once, giving you three first round games. With three points for a win, one for a draw/tie and none for a loss, the four teams are ranked in order and the top 2 in each group progress to the next stage. The 16 remaining countries then play a knockout format until the champions are crowned after the final.

Germany were drawn into Group A along with Costa Rica, Poland and Ecuador. Again, the casual observer would see this as an easy draw for the home side. The thing about the so-called “unfashionable” teams is that many of them are coached by experiences Europeans and South Americans, and they can turn them into teams that can be extremely difficult to beat over a 90 minute game.

Given all of this, I present to you my predictions for Group A.

June 9 Germany v Costa Rica 1-1
June 9 Poland v Ecuador 3-1
June 14 Germany v Poland 0-0
June 15 Ecuador v Costa Rica 0-1
June 20 Ecuador v Germany 0-1
June 20 Costa Rica v Poland 1-2

These results would see Poland winning the group with seven points, followed by the lucky Germans with five. I will place a total of ten euros on that sequence of results taking place, and do likewise with the other first round groups. I wonder if I will at least make my eighty euros back come the knockout stages…

Next week – GROUP B : COULD THIS BE ENGLAND’S YEAR?

my own personal d-day

2006-04-05T07:35:00.000+01:00

One thing is for sure – Tuesday April 25th, 2006 is going to be my D-day.

All I need to work out is - what does the “D” stand for?

I suppose the obvious answer is “divorce”. It is just over six years since I first realised that my marriage was well and truly doomed, and that date in April is when I finally get a judge to seal the deal.

The more I think about it, however, the more I realise there are other d-words worth considering.

First, there is “delight”. Some of my friends think I am mad to get married again, though that is only because they have not had the chance to see Sandra and me together that much over the years.

But if THEY think I’M mad, imagine how her friends felt when she first told them she was seeing a separated man with two kids! My delight comes from the fact that on April 25th I can once and for all show to her my ties to MyX have been broken for good.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, however, and the “D” could very well stand for “depression”. Though being around Sandra and my kids does nothing but fill me with confidence, I realise now that when on my own for the past six years, I have spent a lot of time blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong in my life up now. It was a vicious cycle of self-pity that was hard to break free from, and it meant my life was stuck in neutral and I could see no way of moving on.

Of course when I was feeling low on self-esteem, I needed something to keep me occupied in order to prevent me from going round the bend so that nobody could tell what was going on, and this lead to another “D” – “distraction”. You are currently reading what eventually became my biggest source of this over the past year and a half – setting myself goals and deadlines on my blog went a long way to help me fool myself that I was doing something meaningful with my life when in reality I needed a kick up the arse to get over myself and get on with things.

Then there’s “denial”. Out of the depression and the need for distraction came a wave of anger towards my mother which became something of an obsession with me. Not long after my grandfather passed away, I allowed myself to be consumed with rage over my history with her. Though much it was justified, I see now that my real target was myself. I even wrote a song which I thought was all about her but the more I read it back, the more I see that applies to me just as much if not more so.

I cannot forget all the “despair” either. Although much of my plight was of my own doing, it was helped along by several factors which were out of my control, for example…

• Finding a note from my daughter where she is asking God to make sure her mother and I get back together.

• My grandfather passing away in care, and all the guilt that went with it that I could have done more for him in his final days.

• Knowing that for all the care I was giving my grandmother, I would eventually have to find her alternative accommodation, and the prospect of a move would be terrifying for her, no matter how suitable the new arrangement may be.

• Being constantly knocked back in my quest to sort out the legal framework of the divorce. Since there was no contest from the other side, I decided to go through the process myself, and although those at “DIY Divorce” have been extremely helpful throughout, a combination of procrastination, presumption that everything would go wrong, and things actually going wrong got me to a stage whereby it was touch and go whether or not I would get a divorce date in time to obtain a license for my wedding in August.

For a while there, you would be forgiven for thinking the “D” was for “desperation”. After I lost my job in the sports store and was driven inward emotionally, Sandra and I spilt up for a while and I started smoking hash round the clock and meeting women from internet chatrooms who were not right for me at all. I really and truly believed this was my only chance of meeting people, my confidence was that low.

Now, in spite of the depression, the distraction, the denial, the despair and the desperation, I have finally gotten myself to the point where I am on the brink of moving my grandmother to suitable surroundings, I have a date for my divorce hearing, I have all but patched things up with my mother, I seem to have come to terms with my grandfather’s death, and plans are falling into place for my wedding which fills me with nothing but hope for the future.

For once, I can actually see my glass as half full.

Maybe the real meaning of the “D” is “destiny”.

bitesize bullets

2006-04-03T10:05:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
NOBODY APRIL FOOLED ME THIS YEAR…

• CHANGES : I am planning some radical changes for my blogs. I won’t have time to implement them for a while, but hopefully they will turn out well. I like to think I’m one of those “no point in doing it unless you feel you’re doing it right” kind of people.

• TUNES: Since he was honoured last week by the Irish music industry for his achievements with the Boomtown Rats rather than his recent charitable exploits, I’m giving Bob Geldof’s band a listen on my car stereo. It’s ironic that I post these bullets on Monday; I hear he doesn’t like them!

• ESSAYS… : …are something I haven’t been doing much of lately, so I plan to put that right this week, with one called “My Own Personal D-Day” which I will publish on Wednesday, and more to follow after that. I still haven’t plucked up the courage to have another stab at fiction!

• NAMEDROPPING : Another essay I plan to write soon is one outlining my experience towards the end of last week, when I got to be an extra on the set of the next Brendan Gleeson movie, called “A Tiger’s Tail”, directed by John Boorman and due for release in 2007.

• LINK : This week’s link shout-out goes to Gavin Sheridan, who with his “Gavin’s blog” was one of the pioneers of weblogging in Ireland. I got the chance to speak with him at the awards ceremony a few weeks ago, and I am honoured to now be on his blogroll.

• BUSHBASHING : Just what Dubya was thinking sending NeoCon-doleeza to a mosque in Liverpool last week, I’ll never know. Her rhetoric was interesting when she referred to the numerous protestors as a sample of the democracy she was trying to bring to Iraq. Man, she has some set of teeth!

• LYRICAL :
“And if a double decker bus
Kills the both of us
To die by your side
Is such a heavenly way to die”

The Smiths, “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”, from “The Queen Is Dead”

• RENTAL : This week’s rented movie highlight was the sequel to the serial killer thriller Saw. As follow-ups go, it definitely rates as one of the better ones. If you saw (ahem) the original and were impressed with the plot and its interesting twists, you won’t be disappointed here either.

• STATWATCH : Although stats can never tell you preciesly who is reading your blog at a given moment, with a bit of common sense you can learn to be able to tell when your regulars are stopping by, and I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all for doing so.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“irish and pet and girlfriend”

“funny story and pictures of priests with beards”

“pampering words for a guy”

“see ya in irish” *

“pint size minister” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-03-31T11:29:00.000+01:00

10 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

ALL THAT HAS GONE BEFORE

One of the few drawbacks of following English club football is that you are constantly reminded of England’s success in 1966.

I am very short of posting time this week, so I will share with you this brief piece on the history of the World Cup taken from the FIFA website and follow it with links to my posts in this series up to now.

THE HISTORY OF THE FIFA WORLD CUP

No other sporting event captures the world's imagination like the FIFA World Cup™. Ever since the first tentative competition in Uruguay in 1930, FIFA's flagship has constantly grown in popularity and prestige.

A group of visionary French football administrators, led in the 1920s by the innovative Jules Rimet, are credited with the original idea of bringing the world's strongest national football teams together to compete for the title of World Champions. The original gold trophy bore Jules Rimet's name and was contested three times in the 1930s, before the Second World War put a 12-year stop to the competition.

When it resumed, the FIFA World Cup rapidly advanced to its undisputed status as the greatest single sporting event of the modern world. Held since 1958 alternately in Europe and the Americas, the World Cup broke new ground with the Executive Committee's decision in May 1996 to select Korea and Japan as co-hosts for the 2002 edition.

Since 1930, the 16 tournaments have seen only seven different winners. However, the FIFA World Cup has also been punctuated by dramatic upsets that have helped create footballing history - the United States defeating England in 1950, North Korea's defeat of Italy in 1966, Cameroon's emergence in the 1980s and their opening match defeat of the Argentinean cup-holders in 1990....

Today, the FIFA World Cup holds the entire global public under its spell. An accumulated audience of over 37 billion people watched the France 98 tournament, including approximately 1.3 billion for the final alone, while over 2.7 million people flocked to watch the 64 matches in the French stadia.

After all these years and so many changes, however, the main focus of the FIFA World Cup remains the same - the glistening golden trophy, which is the embodiment of every footballer's ambition.

Previously in this series…

THE BATTLE OF SAIPAN

ALLEZ LES BLEUS

MAKING SOCCER HISTORY?

HOW OLÉ BECAME AN IRISH WORD

THE FINALS THAT GOT AWAY

ARE THEY IRISH OR NOT?

THE WRITING WAS ON THE WALL

WHEN I WAS THE GREATEST FOOTBALLER IN THE WORLD

Next Week : Group A : PLAYING HOST : BLESSING OR CURSE?

bitesize bullets

2006-03-27T10:44:00.000+01:00

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
BELATED HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY…

• FEATURE : In response to a meme I see roaming the Blogosphere I’m adding yet another feature to my bitesize bullets – I’m going to reproduce some excerpts of lyrics from my favourite tunes, ones that I always found both unusual and inspirational.

• TUNES : I remember robbing my mother’s copy of Joan Armatrading’s “The Key” just to bulk out my then-fledgling cassette collection back in the eighties. Ten years later, I finally listened to it, and with tunes like “Drop The Pilot” and “I Love It When You Call Me Names”, it wasn’t bad.

• TRIPPED : My 8-year-old son needed four stitches above his eye yesterday after a fall. His sister was playing my keyboard and he was dancing around her but forgot about the electrical chord and fell into the coffee table. He was very brave at the hospital and is fine now.

• AWWWW… : Imagine how I felt after my son said this while we were in A&E yesterday…

Me : “Wow, that’s the fourth time you’ve hit your head – I guess that’s your thing, right? Everyone has a thing!”

LittleGuy : “Yeah, and your thing is being a good Daddy.”

Goddam.

• LADIES : Full marks for yesteray’s events must also go to my fiancée Sandra and my daughter RA, who were actually on the scene when he fell, and who both showed impressive calm during the aftermath. No doubt about it, I’m damn lucky to have the three of them in my life.

• NEXTBLOGGING : After hitting my NextBlog button, I came to this site. Looks like a TeenBlog from the Phillippines. I wonder how Jason really feels about this quote… “jason n me hit 9 months today! ….haha..happy monthsary baby!hope we're crazy enough to go through a gazillion mor eof these..i love you!mwah!”

• LYRICAL : “Find my name on your computer
Mention me in passing to your college tutor
Check my records check my facts
Check if I paid my income tax
Pour over everything in my CV
But you’ll still know nothin bout me”

Sting, “Nothing Bout Me” from “Ten Summoner’s Tales”

• RENTAL : Last week I rented “Inside I’m Dancing” courtesy of Ireland’s answer to NetFlix. It’s well worth watching, with full marks in the plot, direction and especially lead-acting departments. Think of it as “My Left Foot” meets “The Odd Couple” and you have an idea.

• STATWATCH : As I touched on last week, I feel the most important stat you can monitor for your blog is that for “Returning Visitors”. People drop by blogs all the time, like with Next Blogging and Googling, but the RV numbers tell you those that are impressed enough to come back.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“pronunciation unit”

“write a boys from brazil paper”

“2 years without a shag”

“scottish stereotypes football national team kilts battle”

“scrotum waxing”

“great hiding places on yourself when flying” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-03-24T10:04:00.000Z

11 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

This week I go over the tournament which will be most remembered by Irish fans for something that happened before a ball was kicked.

THE BATTLE OF SAIPAN

Who says it’s only religion that can divide the Irish from within?

It was one of those moments when you will always remember where you were when you first heard the news. In my case, I was driving on the M50 motorway in Dublin on my way to work when this came on the radio.

“In sensational news from Saipan, we have just learned that Irish international captain Roy Keane has been sent home by manager Mick McCarthy and will play no part in this summer’s World Cup finals.”

I was absolutely stunned. I really believed that this time we had a team, with the world-class Keane at its centre, that could go further than Jack Charlton’s men had done in ’90 and ’94. Instead we had a clash of personalities that should have been resolved behind closed doors spilling out and affecting the entire country let alone the squad.

Never before has a sporting incident divided a nation right down the middle so. You were either for Keane or you were for McCarthy. I’d even be afraid to tell you what was supposed to have happened because depending on where you were coming from you would here contrasting versions of the truth.

If a gun were put to my head I would have to side with McCarthy. He was in charge of the team as a whole, and if Keane had a problem, as team captain he should have approached him in private so they could show a united front before the rest of the squad.

Having said that, the two of them appear to have been as bad as each other when it came to failing to resolve their personality clash which appears to have gone back to the ’94 finals in the USA when McCarthy himself was captain and Keane was a young substitute.

And so in the weeks coming up to the kickoff of the 2002 World Cup finals, the Keane/McCarthy saga was all anyone could talk about. Rumours were circulating every day that Roy was at Manchester airport ready to take a flight back to Japan to rejoin the squad, but they never materialised.

Steve Staunton stepped into the breach and the remaining players were forced to embark on their tricky group which included Germany, Cameroon and Saudi Arabia without their world class skipper.

This was a catastrophic turn of events for the Irish who had done so well in reaching the finals having seen off the Dutch in the qualifying tournament. With players such as Damien Duff, Shay Given in goal, and Robbie Keane up front, plus the experienced heads of Roy, Staunton and Niall Quinn, it really did look like we could make an impact.

As it turns out, the boys in green made a pretty good stab at it anyway. Having drawn with Cameroon in their opener and gotten an unlikely last gasp equaliser against the Germans, they knew a win by two goals against the Saudis would ensure them a spot in the knockout stages, when as we all know anything can happen, and they secured their victory comfortably in the end.

That left us to face Spain in the last 16, a team which always seems to disappoint in the finals, so confidence was high. My fiancée Sandra and I booked a night in a hotel the night before the match so we could be sure of a good spot in a bar to watch the game. Once more, we relied on a last minute equaliser to keep us in the competition, and the match went to an agonising penalty shoot-out.

On a side note, I still have a scar on my leg from the moment the goal went in. Having jumped in the air in glee, as I came down my shin scraped against the side of a chair and left me on the ground in agony, while absolutely nobody around me noticed or cared and I think I must have had at least one full pint spilled on me as I lay writhing in pain!

I managed to compose myself for the shoot-out, however, and we were all gutted to see the normally reliable dead-ball kicker Ian Harte miss the kick that knocked us out and sent the fortunate Spaniards into the next round.

And of course, as many predicted, we all wondered how far we would have gone if the Keane/McCarthy bust up never happened.

As has become the norm with World Cups with Irish involvement, the rest of the tournament appeared to be nothing more than a sideshow, though this time there was a lot to capture interest.

The 2002 tournament will probably be best remembered not only for being the first to be held in Asia, but also for the success of several countries that were previously considered to be “unfashionable”.

The tournament kicked off with the highly unfancied African nation Senegal defeating the reigning champions France, who were considered invincible as they had also captured the European Championship in 2000. The Japan/Korea experience was to prove to be their downfall, and they went all three first round games without so much as scoring a goal.

Host nation Japan joined Senegal in the second phase, but their co-hosts South Korea went not one, but two better, battling all the way to the final four. Another unlikely semi-final participant was Turkey.

Honourable mention must also go to the USA, who capitalised on an amazing 3-2 win over the much fancied Portugal in their opening match to progress through to the quarter-finals where they were unlucky to fall to the Germans.

As for England, at least they didn’t fall to penalties this time – instead it was to a bizarre lob by Ronaldinho in the quarter-finals that their usually dependable keeper David Seaman appeared to allow fly over his head after a woeful error of judgement.

It was those same Germans and Brazilians that were to meet in the final in the Yokohama stadium, and though it was an error from the previously unflappable German keeper Oliver Kahn that changed the game and allowed Ronaldo open the scoring; perhaps it was the absence of Germany’s playmaker Michael Ballack that proved the difference on the day.

Whatever the reasons, Brazil’s 2-0 win secured them an unprecedented fifth World Cup title, a record which will no doubt stand for decades even if it is not improved upon. Skipper Cafu became the first player to appear in three finals and proudly lifted the trophy when all was said and done.

Back in the Irish camp, McCarthy was unable to get morale back after the tournament and suffered heavy defeats in his next two outings. Needless to say Roy Keane did not feature in either game, though having claimed to have been “tired and emotional” around the time of the bust-up, he ended up having a full recovery once his nemesis stepped down from the manager’s job.

Alas, our national team just wasn’t to be the same since the Battle of Saipan, and we have had two unsuccessful qualifying campaigns since. Now, with Steve Staunton and Bobby Robson at the helm, we can only hope for a return to the glory days.

In a bizarrely-timed twist on the morning I was to publish this post, I hear that both Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy will be applying for the currently vacant manager's job at Nottingham Forest, the club where the Corkman began his professional playing career. It seems the battle is not yet over.

Next week – ALL THAT HAS GONE BEFORE

from in-rage to out-rage

2006-03-22T10:22:00.000Z

Shaggy XI > Omani

As part of my selection process for choosing this month’s winner of the “Shaggy” award, I first looked over the previous winners to see if there was a type of post which had been overlooked up to now.

It was then that I realized that one of the most crucial uses to which a blog can be put is yet to be recognized by my award, and I wish to put this right straightaway.

Fittingly, the author of the award-winning post himself explains precisely what I mean in his own text :

Blogging lets the powerless speak out. Potentially it is the greatest social audit ever invented. Blogs, and the community of bloggers, can hold the mighty to account and thereby prevent violence.

And so, without going on about “further ado” as much as I normally do, I’d like to award the Eleventh Shagadelic Contribution To Blogland Award to Omani over at From Bath To Cork With Baby Grace for his post “Our Lady of Lourdes : Institutionalized Contraception”.

There is no need for me to go on about the actual topic in question, for Omani does a more than adequate job of this himself.

The reason for the award is that the post demonstrates just how useful a blog can be in articulating the way some big news story may affect you personally, and at the same time put it in a whole new perspective for someone else to ponder.

Bravo, Omani, take a bow. And while I’m at it, congratulations on the England cricket team beating India today.

bitesize bullets

2006-03-20T09:32:00.000Z

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
WILL 37 CANDLES FIT ON A CAKE? ...

• FEATURE : Having exhausted the Yahoo Translator tool, I will now turn my attention to the “Next Blog” button which is always at the top of the page and see what I find out there. If I can’t make sense of what I see I will have to make nonsense of it.

• TUNES: Currently residing in my car’s tape deck is the much under-appreciated debut album from REM called Murmur which has such tracks as Radio Free Europe, Catapult and Moral Kiosk. It’s always interesting to hear great bands’ recordings from the early days, in this case 1983.

• BIRTHDAY : On March 21, 1969, I began breathing. No real plans for tomorrow. I’m not sure 37 is really an age you “celebrate”, though I fully intend to have one hell of a bash when I hit the big four-oh.

• NEXTBLOGGING : My Next Blog button just brought me to this site. Can you make head or tail of what’s going on here? Looks like a teenager, probably in Australia, with an issue or six. Check out the profile tagline “Whoops – she dropped into the toilet bowl.”

• LINK : This week’s link shout-out goes to GingerPixel, who was among the several bloggers I chickened out of introducing myself to at the awards last week. Thank you also for your kind words in your comments about my “1000 Words On…” essays.

• RUGBY : The day after St Patrick’s Day WAS one for celebrating, as the Ireland rugby team beat England in her own backyard. Not only that, but it meant we won the “Triple Crown” having also beaten Scotland and Wales. I reckon Guinness sales have gone up a tad lately…

• BUSHPRAISING : No it’s not a typo! Fair play to Dubya for distancing himself from Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams on St Patricks Day. Though he actually met him this year, I doubt the little incident at the airport was a mistake. On this one, Bush has received good advice IMHO.

• SOPRANOS : I don’t want to ruin the opening of Series 6 for any fans in case they haven’t seen it so instead I will remind you of Uncle Junior’s famous joke : “Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He’ll make you an offer you can’t understand!”

• STATWATCH : Mostly thanks to the exposure it received at the awards ceremony last week, my Irish Blog “Ah Sure Ya Know Yerself” recently went through the 7,000 hit barrier and has been getting record returning visitor stats as well, which I feel is the most significant gauge of your blog’s readability.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“origin of the word shag”

“ms. O’leary’s cow song lyrics”

“curiosity argentina 78”

“to be sure to be sure irish saying” *

“who’s irish and doesn’t know rain” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-03-17T12:12:00.000Z

12 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

This week’s post is short as it was definitely the most forgettable tournament of them all since I’ve had an interest.

ALLEZ LES BLEUS

Noone would argue it was a great French team, many would argue it was an anti-climax of a tournament

If a clairevoyant had told me in the early on in 1998 that I would get my first dose of chicken pox that summer AND be able to take time off work to watch a world famous sporting event staged in France, I probably would have kissed him or her.

I was working as manager of a sports store at the time, and between long hours and commuting PLUS two young children to see to at home, I would have barely had the time to turn on the telly let alone watch any of the World Cup being held in France.

Unfortunately for me, my illness was to strike right AFTER the competition ended, which left me at home for two weeks with nothing but the bloody Tour de France to provide sporting distraction.

Still, missing out wasn’t such a bad thing, since Ireland had not quite qualified, missing out in a play-off to the Belgians. Also, for me anyway, it was a pretty forgettable tournament overall.

It didn’t even start with an upset as previous competitions had. Many fancied Scotland to get something out of the holders Brazil on opening day, sadly they fell 2-1. Most of the fancied teams coasted through their first round groups, with the possible exception of Spain. The most interesting thing about the first phase for me was that the USA had been drawn in a group with three countries with which they have had military trouble; Germany, Yugoslavia and Iran, and lost to all of them. In soccer that is.

Once again England thought they had a team to take it all the way, once again they bowed out on penalties, this time to their own former battle adversaries Argentina. The tournament’s surprise package were Croatia, who made it all the way to the semifinals.

The final was between France and Brazil, and here, all the real drama took place before kickoff, as the Brazilian wunderkid Ronaldo took something of a nasty turn and was announced unable to play at the eleventh hour. Their spirit clearly broken, the Samba boys were easily swept aside 3-0 on the Sunday night in the one game I was actually able to watch from the comfort of my armchair.

It was clearly a tournament best forgotten, though the French did have a team worthy of the trophy – with players like Zidane, Desailly and the flamboyant Barthez in goal, it could not be said that they won thanks to home advantage alone.

You could say that when the final whistle blew in Paris that Sunday evening, I was itching for the next finals which were to be Japan and Korea. In actual fact, it was because my baby son had picked up the chicken pox from his creche.

Next week – JAPAN/KOREA 2002 : THE BATTLE OF SAIPAN

what more can they tell us?

2006-03-15T12:19:00.000Z

The following report was on BBC.com yesterday. Click the headline for the full story.

Scores of bodies found in Baghdad

Iraqi authorities have discovered bodies from two mass killings, taking the number of corpses found in the past 24 hours to more than 80.

The bodies of 15 bound and apparently tortured men were found in an abandoned vehicle in Baghdad's Khadra district.

Hours later, at least 29 bodies were found bound, blindfolded and buried in a south-eastern suburb of the capital.

Analysts say the killings reflect the continuing sectarian violence between Sunni and Shia extremists.

Stories like this mean nothing to us now, do they?

More than 80 people killed in a couple of days because of the tensions in Iraq.

Yesterday, for a brief moment, I actually stopped to think about it.

Eighty people.

According to Wikipedia, these are the latest approximate figures of casualties since the invasion began.

Non Iraqi civilians = at least 560

Non-US armed forces = 206

US Armed forces = 2,304

Iraqis = Officially, anything from 28,501 to 32,119 [these are a fraction of the UN estimates but we all know what Bush supporters would say about them]

It has been three years since the occupation of Iraq began.

They told us there were WMDs.

They told us there were direct links between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda.

They told us it was what “The Iraqi people” wanted.

They told us that it was necessary for the Allied forces to bring a stability and democracy to Iraq.

Now, the country appears to be on the brink of civil war, yet not only do we here nothing about withdrawal, instead we hear Dubya beating his drums of war in Iran’s direction.

What more can they tell us?

How can it possibly be anything we can believe?

What more can we say in return?

once more with feeling

2006-03-13T11:27:00.000Z

No bitesize bullets this week, mostly because I don't have time.

Instead I will post the poem that earned me a nomination for last Saturday's blog awards so that people that only drop by to this blog can read it. Sadly it did not win, but it really was great to be nominated, no matter how cliche that may sound! Having written several poems and song lyrics over the years, it was really good to receive some kind of recognition for one of them having overcome the fear of getting them into the public domain.

The awards ceremony got me thinking about how I want to proceed with my blogging, and I am seriously considering starting afresh with a new site and a new look. In the meantime I will proceed as normal, and of course I am open to suggestions.

Anyway, here's the poem, it's based on Irish history, which being the week of St Patrick's Day, should make it all the more relevant. It's called "Ní thosaímid an tine", which actually translates to "We Don't Start The Fire", but hopefully it still gets by on poetic license.

[sing to the tune of Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire”]

Druid Law, high kings, Cúchulainn, bronze things
Newgrange, Celts invade, Romans stay away

O’Neill dynasty, St Patrick, snakes flee
Monasteries, Book of Kells, Vikings from Norway

Waterford settlements, Dubh Linn battlements,
Clontarf, Brian Boru, everywhere another war

Many kingdoms come and go, tuatha rule, Strongbow
King Henry, Papal Bull, English army come ashore

Ní thosaímid an tine
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
Ní thosaímid an tine
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Rule of Anglo Norman Lords, rise of Gaelic folklore,
Kilkenny Statutes, fortify the Pale

Reformation taking hold, Silken Thomas getting bold,
Poynings and Penal Laws, All rebellions fail

Catholicism stands its ground, will not to the king be bound
Cromwell, Will of Orange, Boyne battle, nation torn

Food exported, landlord greed, tenants they have mouths to feed
Wolfe Tone, not alone, Act of Union from the throne

Ní thosaímid an tine
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
Ní thosaímid an tine
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Dan O’Connell wants repeal, not without the royal seal,
Spud blight, Great Famine, population fell

Irish language in decline, Georgian buldings to design,
IRB, Robert Emmet, Charles Stuart Parnell

Home Rule, Dublin slums, Ulster fears a day will come,
GAA, Land League, Fair, Free, Fixity

Great War, Inspiration, GPO proclamation
De Valera, Michael Collins, War over a Treaty

Ní thosaímid an tine
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
Ní thosaímid an tine
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

Free State, Fianna Fáil, Elections for the first Dáil
Resolution, Constitution, Neutrality

Pull out of the Commonwealth, Economy in poor health
Belfast, Sean Lemass, Behan-Joyce-O'Casey

James Craig, RUC, Gerrymander policy
Bloody Sunday, IRA, what else do I have to say

Ní thosaímid an tine
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
Ní thosaímid an tine
No we didn’t light it
But we tried to fight it

John Hume, EEC, Dr Garrett, RTE
CJ Haughey, H-block, Celtic Tiger, Geldof

U2, Boys In Green, D4-Culchie-Jackeen
X case, church and state, Good Friday mandate

Teflon Bertie, Eddie Hobbs, Immigrants do low-paid jobs
Millions wasted everywhere, Young and old in need of care

Can the Troubles be ignored, with Adams-Paisley to the fore
Does it mean an end to war? Cos I can’t take it anymore!

Ní thosaímid an tine
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning
Ní thosaímid an tine
But when we are gone
Will it still burn on and on and on…

© B Joel 1989, JL Pagano 2005

click here for a full index of my poetry and song lyrics

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-03-10T10:10:00.000Z

13 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

This week I recall the one World Cup I got to see in person.

MAKING SOCCER HISTORY?

Jack’s Army had a score to settle with the Italians in ‘94

Say you get married, and embark on what is meant to be a trip around the world with your fellow newlywed by way of an extended honeymoon. What is the coolest thing they can do for you on your next birthday?

It was February 1993 at the Spartan Stadium in San Jose. The referee blew the full time whistle, and the spectators were put out of their misery after what had to be the most boring game of international football ever played, a 0-0 draw in a friendly between USA and Russia. I turned to my (now ex-) wife and said, “Happy Birthday, dear!”

Even though it was a travesty of a contest, and even though it was hardly the most romantic of occasions, she fully understood how important it was that we attend this particular game. One of the reasons we began our “world tour” in America was so that we could be there for the World Cup finals which were due to take place in the summer of 1994, and if you went to see this game between the former Cold War adversaries, you would be guaranteed tickets for whatever venue you chose.

Since it seemed that Ireland were well poised to qualify, I was certain that their games would be played in the Boston venue. Though we were both working in San Francisco at the time, the plan was to Amtrak across the country to be settled in the Massachusetts capital, where I also had family connections, so that we could be well poised to make the trip to the games in Foxborough Stadium.

The plan worked almost perfectly. We got our tickets well in advance, and at rock bottom prices. Once the draw was made for the final stages, naturally the value of the tickets soared. Not ones to be overly greedy, we sold tickets for two of the games for the value of the entire package of five to break even.

It has to be said it was quite a shrewd move by the sport’s governing body FIFA to stage the finals tournament in the land of the free. Because of the popularity of all the more traditionally American sports like baseball and gridiron football, the game of “soccer” was finding it extremely difficult to find a niche at the highest professional level.

What made this all the more paradoxical was that soccer was and indeed still is the most popular sport for America’s youth. The simple reason for that is, the game requires you to buy the minimum of equipment, just a uniform and a ball. The lack of helmets, bats, gloves or excessive padding went a long way to creating the phenomenon known as the “soccer mom”.

Despite the fact that pretty much everyone played up to the age of 9 or 10, once over that age, kids wanted to emulate the sporting heroes they saw on the TV where the world’s greatest soccer players were nowhere to be seen in America, unless you tuned into Spanish language channels. A good friend of mine who lives in California told me her son was of the impression that the sport was considered “gay”.

And so, FIFA made its decision to try and conquer this final great frontier for its pastime. Nine cities were chosen across the nation, and the one thing they could be absolutely sure of, they had the best race of people on the planet when it came to marketing.

“How to play the game of Association Football. Two teams of eleven men kick a ball around a field. At the end of ninety minutes, the Germans win.”

…is roughly how I remember one of their more amusing warm-up ads sounding. One other slogan I found particularly ironic was the one that went “USA ’94 – Making Soccer History”. The double meaning of that phrase was not lost on me – clearly they meant it in the positive nature, but since I knew so many Americans thought it was just a dumb boring European sport, I was sure there were many that would actually like to make the game history.

And so we settled in Boston, and I got a job in a sports store downtown right near the Common. I was hardly surprised that the management of the store had little knowledge of the impending tournament. They were generally more interested in how the Red Sox or the Bruins were doing. After much nagging I finally managed to persuade them to get their suppliers to send them reasonable quantities of the replica jerseys in time for the competition.

Ironically enough, the one shirt they could not acquire was that of Ireland. This was because people were selling them on the sly all over the Irish pubs around the city. I had to wonder about their authenticity, however, when on of the managers, of Irish ancestry himself, proudly proclaimed that he had bought such a shirt, and the reason the seller told him he could be sure it was genuine was the fact that it had the brand name “St Bernard” right there on the label!

Speaking of Ireland, the good news was, they qualified for the finals. The bad news was, none of their games were to be in Boston. They were drawn in a very tricky first round “group of death” with Mexico, Norway, and their conquerors from 1990, Italy, and the games were to be in New York and Orlando.

The biggest team to be involved at the Boston venue for the first round was Argentina, and it was to a couple from Buenos Aires that we sold our tickets. That left us with our first taste of live World Cup football as the group game between South Korea and Bolivia.

Once we took our seats, which were impressively close to the front row, we soon realised the cosmopolitan nature of this event. There was a drunken Argentinian chap beside us, an English couple on the other side, and what sounded like some Scandinavian men behind us. The most entertaining fellow spectators, however, were seated in front of us.

They could only be described as the “typical clean-cut all-American family”, straight out of a Disney movie. There was Dad, Mom, early teenage daughter, and a boy and another girl both under ten. They arrived just before kick-off, complete with trays of munchies. All of them were wearing the same World Cup souvenir t-shirts.

What made me laugh about them most, however, was when the elder daughter turned to her mother ten minutes into the game and asked, “Which team is which?” Remember – the teams were South Korea and Bolivia, and we were easily close enough to see the faces of the players. My amazement was doubled when the mother didn’t know, and it was tripled when she asked the father and even he didn’t have a clue.

Unfortunately, this game was an even more boring 0-0 draw than the one in San Jose a year before, though I suppose the carnival atmosphere made up for it. Next up for us was to take our place at The Kells bar on Commonwealth Avenue for the first Irish game against the Italians.

The pub was full to bursting with several having recently arrived in the States and well versed on the new breed of Irish players such as Jason McAteer. As we pounded both bottles of beer and our fists against the bar in excitement, the Boys in Green held on to their early 1-0 lead courtesy of Ray Houghton for an incredible victory over one of the tournament favourites. Once again, we had the feeling that we had won the tournament, and we were also able to banish the demons caused by those who made fun of us for not even winning a game back in 1990!

Our last two games in Foxborough both involved Nigeria. Their fans were extremely colourful, and made a carnival of the train ride there and back by forming a conga line and dancing up and down all the carriages. They were very unlucky not to get past the Italians themselves in the knockout stages, with only a Roberto Baggio penalty in extra time separating the teams.

Unfortunately, Ireland fell to the Mexicans in their second group game, 2-1 in Orlando, but John Aldridge’s late goal meant that we still had a good chance of progressing courtesy of a result from our final game with Norway.

The Irish-American manager of my store arranged to have the day off so he could come with me and MyEx to the Kells to see what all the fuss was about. He was to be amazed by the atmosphere, particularly when you consider that it was yet another 0-0 draw. The tension was created by the fact that the Mexico v Italy game was taking place at the same time, and as goals went in there, the standings in the group changed dramatically. Suffice to say, whatever way the maths worked out, the Irish had made it through yet again.

This time, we were to face Holland, and unfortunately, our bubble was to burst. A mishap by fullback Terry Phelan let them in for an opener, and with us well poised to get an equaliser, our hero of a goalie from Italia90 Packie Bonner allowed a relatively easy shot slip through his fingers for a crushing second which meant the Irish dream was over for another year.

I remember the day of the Dutch game well. It was a typical New England summer’s day, extremely hot and humid. Between that and the USA v Brazil game in the evening, I managed an hour’s sunbathing on the roof of our apartment building. With new unlikely role models like the flame-haired, goatee-sporting Alexi Lalas, the host nation were then extremely lucky to bow out only 1-0 having had an impressive first phase which included a win over Colombia, which was to provide one of the talking points of the tournament.

The Colombians were well fancied as an outside bet to go all the way, with stars such as Carlos Valderrama on their team. The defeat to the Americans, however, was to bring home the significance of this event to the general public when Andreas Escobar, who had scored an extremely fortunate own goal in the game, was shot dead outside a nightclub shortly after returning home when his team had been eliminated. Of course this had more to do with the drug culture than football, but it was still hard to believe.

Among the other surprise packages of the finals we had Bulgaria, who bravely ousted the Germans in the quarterfinals inspired by the great Hristo Stoichkov. Sweden also got to the semis with their well organized squad.

And so it came to the day of the final between Brazil and Italy, who had progressed this far despite their earlier defeat to the Irish. I watched the game in my cousin’s apartment on Comm Ave. Considering the games I had been to before, it was rather fitting that this was to be yet another 0-0 draw, but since it was a final, there had to be a winner on the day.

The World Cup final of 1994 was indeed to make soccer history in that it was the first to be decided by way of a “penalty shoot-out”. Nobody would have guessed that it would be the Italian superstar Roberto Baggio that lost his nerve first, as his kick sailed high over the bar, leaving their opponents victorious for the fourth time.

As had been the norm with every victory throughout the tournament, the Brazilian fans took to the streets for a Samba party shortly after the end of the game. They waved gigantic green and yellow flags out of their car and you would be led to believe you were actually in Rio. Bemused Americans looked on, most of them totally oblivious to the reason for their celebration.

All in all, it has to be said the USA experiment was a success. A professional soccer league was formed shortly afterwards, called Major League Soccer. Though it never professed to be able to match the home-grown sports, it successfully drew support from ethnic communities and despite a few setbacks it still exists today.

Still, I doubt the Yanks will ever fully embrace the world’s most popular game. Maybe it’s because they cannot handle seeing themselves stacked up fairly against other countries, particularly when they will have to work hard to come out on top. Sounds like a grand case of sour grapes to me. “We’re not number one? Ah, it’s a dumb boring sport anyway.”

Next week – FRANCE ’98 : ALLEZ LES BLEUS

bitesize bullets

2006-03-06T10:53:00.000Z

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
AND THE WINNER IS…

• ENOUGH : Σκέφτομαι ότι είχα αρκετή διασκέδαση με το εργαλείο μεταφραστών Yahoo - χρόνος να βρεθεί ένα άλλο παιχνίδϊ, which is Greek to me, but should mean : “I think I have had enough fun with the Yahoo translator tool - time to find another toy!”

• SCARY-ISH : Take The Blair Witch Project and Crocodile Dundee, mix well, add a pinch of Freddie Kreuger, let stand for a few years, you end up with Wolf Creek. I recommend you watch it, even if it’s only to work out how it can be “based on true events”.

• IMMINENT : Have your fingers crossed for me next Saturday, as I will be in the Alexander Hotel in downtown Dublin to see how I get on in the Irish Blog Awards! It promises to be a fun night, and meeting fellow members of the Blog O’Sphere should be quite interesting…

• OSCARS : What better subject to follow ones about movies and award ceremonies? Having said that, the Hollywood party holds little interest for me. I do wonder if there will be homophobic suggestions surrounding the overlooking of Brokeback Mountain for best pic, though…

• STATWATCH : Since I started recording stats last May, I have recently gone over the 20,000 hit mark between my three blogs. It really is quite a buzz to get such feedback on your opinions. So what if you don’t make money from it?

• TUNES : I recently bought the new Strokes album “First Impressions of Earth” and my own first impressions are these…neither it nor their last effort “Rooms on Fire” come near matching their impressive debut “Is This It?” I guess therefore it was.

• LINK : I often have a thing or two to say about Irish politics, particularly matters in the northern part of the island. This week’s link shout-out goes to Julius Geezer who is never short of a word or two in defence of what he believes in. Keep the challenges coming, mate!

• BUSHCRASHING : The Scotsman newspaper obtained the official police report of Dubya’s bike incident when at Gleneagles for the G8 summit last year. Apparently he was attempting to “pedal, wave and speak” at the same time. Also the officer he crashed into was officially reported to have been “hit by moving/falling object”.

• PATTERN : I reckon this week’s “google phrases” (ie the last bullet) were all entered by the same person, and if so it makes for a rather alarming scenario, don’t you agree? The keywords are all genuine, I assure you.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“horny mother in law”

“silken knickers”

“how do you shag someone”

“give a little bit of love and you get it back give a little bit of pain lyrics”

“world of odd balls”

“facing your demons”

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-03-03T09:17:00.000Z

14 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

This week I relive the amazing times that were to be had here in Dublin the summer of 1990.

HOW OLÉ BECAME AN IRISH WORD

At the precise moment this pic was shot, Irish men, women and children all over the world were holding their breath.

Anyone who was alive and not wearing diapers in the Republic of Ireland for the summer of 1990 should have a World Cup story to tell. The funny thing is, a lot of them, myself included, may have trouble remembering who actually won the tournament itself!

At the time I was breezing my way through college learning much more from my job behind the bar at Gleeson’s of Booterstown than I was cracking Psychology books at UCD.

Although the pub in question had much closer ties to the game of rugby, the World Cup of 1990 which was staged in sunny Italy was to be the first to embrace the now customary global tradition of viewing major sporting encounters in a drinking emporium.

I clearly remember both John and Ciaran Gleeson pleading with their father Frank to invest in the big screen technology the minute it was confirmed that The Republic of Ireland soccer team had qualified to take part in the tournament. Oh what a worthwhile investment that turned out to be.

Allow me to demonstrate by way of a brief anecdote just how popular the local pub was as a vantage point. For Ireland’s third group game against the Netherlands, we put signs up everywhere we could, advertising that our Willow lounge was the place to be to get the best atmosphere. The fliers clearly stated that the doors to the lounge would open at 6pm sharp, so punters were advised to arrive early to avoid disappointment.

I was the lucky member of staff who was elected to man the door as the line began forming just after 5:30. People stood in eager anticipation and traded pleasantries with me as they waited and I gave them advice as to where the best seats would be once I opened the doors.

Unbeknownst to me, a hoard of regular patrons had already petitioned the four-strong management team for special treatment, and they were allowed into the Willow lounge via the kitchen. This meant that when I was allowed to swing the doors open on the dot of six, the lounge was already full to capacity! The second I realised this I was able to escape the bemused throng at the door and take my dinner break!

In actual fact, being a pub of multiple lounges, it was clear after the first group game against the aul enemy England that one big screen was nowhere near enough to satisfy the congregation. Smaller tellies were commissioned so that everyone with a pint in their hand could savour the action. Even we the barman were allowed a set on the counter so we would not miss out.

So where did this soccer frenzy come from?

When Ireland had failed yet again to qualify for the Mexico ’86 finals, and their little cousins up in the North managed it for the second time in succession, the governing body south of the border, the Football Association of Ireland (FAI), made its most intelligent and yet most courageous ever executive decision.

Realising that success breeds success, they chose to appoint Jack Charlton as national team coach. The intelligence came from the fact that Jack himself had won the World Cup in 1966 as a player. The courage came from the fact that he was not only foreign, he was English.

Finally we had a pair of eyes to look at the setup from the outside. Jack’s biggest contribution was to scrutinize the FIFA regulations regarding eligibility to play for a particular country. He noticed that so long as you could prove that at least one grandparent was naturally Irish, you could don the green jersey.

Since our Great Famine had sent people far and wide around the globe, most notably across the water to England, Charlton realised his pool of players was much wider than it first appeared. He could then pull his many strings in the English game to convince top quality players who, though not quite good enough to play for their country of birth, may still have a chance to experience international football.

And so to join our native stars such as Liam Brady, Pat “Packie” Bonner and Ronnie Whelan, we now had the likes of Tony Galvin, Chris Hughton (both from my team Spurs) and Ray Houghton to call on. Jack Charlton instilled in his new charges a confidence and a style of play which involved making up for technical shortcomings against superior opposition by harrying them like Irish wolfhounds whenever they had the ball.

This new “put ‘em under pressure” style of play brought instant success and in 1987, Ireland qualified for its first major finals tournament, the European Championships in Germany. Since I believe I have some Scottish readers, I should point out that their 1-0 in Bulgaria greatly helped our cause that year! Thanks lads! Unfortunately the luck of the Irish was not to carry over to the tournament itself, for despite bravely conquering England 1-0 and holding the USSR to a 1-1 draw, we bowed out of the tournament courtesy of the Dutch.

Nonetheless, the German experience created a whole new generation of soccer fans in the country, one that was rabidly hungry for more success when Italia 90 came along.

It seemed inevitable that we would be drawn to play England yet again in the first round, with the Dutch and the so-called outsiders Egypt making up the group. And so the nation gathered to take in the excitement of our first taste of World Cup finals action.

We thought it had all gone pear-shaped when Gary Lineker put England 1-0 up in our opening encounter. I will always remember how our equaliser transpired. Goalkeeper Bonner had the ball in his hands and as he kicked the ball out towards the forward line his face showed a determination best demonstrated by the Irish turn of phrase “go on, ye boy ye!”

A matter of seconds later, Kevin Sheedy was slotting the ball into the net down the other end. Well you would have thought we had just been crowned World champions. It’s amazing how a 1-1 tie seems completely different to the two teams and their fans depending on who scored first!

The Egypt game that followed was quite possibly the most frustrating 90 minutes of football I have ever watched. Unfortunately the Irish tactic of stifling more skilful opponents was no good as the canny Africans gave us a taste of our own medicine and forced a 0-0 tie. This meant we were forced to get some kind of result against the Dutch to make the knockout stages.

Once again we went 1-0 behind, only to equalise by virtue of the lanky Niall Quinn, as his girlfriend Gillian watched in that very same Willow lounge in Gleeson’s, I might add. I knew this because I thought I was flirting with her until I was advised that she was somewhat spoken for!

Luckily for the Irish, even though our three first round matches resulted in draws, it was still good enough to get us into the knockout “last 16” phase, when we were to face Romania.

By the day of the game in Genoa, the entire nation was well used to the new temporary Irish national anthem:

We’re all part of Jackie’s army
We’re all off to Italy
And we’ll really shake them up
When we win the World Cup
Cos Ireland are the greatest football team!
Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé
Olé, Olé [repeat Olé’s ad nauseum]

Come to think of it, I'm not quite sure exactly how a Spanish word became synonymous with the Irish team's involvement in a competition in Italy, so maybe my title is a bit misleading. The point is, we would take any excuse to sing it, unless, of course, there was a post-game interview with the mighty Jack himself, when you could hear a pin drop in any pub!

Well, I doubt anyone remembers anything from the Romania match, at least the 120 minutes of play and the first lot of penalty kicks. Only when Lupescu took his team’s fifth kick and it was bravely saved by Bonner did the memory banks kick into gear. This meant Dave O’Leary needed to slot home his effort to earn us an astonishing quarterfinal berth.

Unbelievably, as he placed the ball on the penalty spot, a kid aged around 13 caught my eye at the bar and actually asked me if I could get him a Coke. Whatever my exact reply, I hope it was polite, but I can guarantee the gist was “no, go away”. I wouldn’t have been able to get it anyway, for when O’Leary’s kick smashed against the back of the net, there were more drinks spilled than poured!

The rest of that day for bartenders like me involved hard work yet for the rest of the nation it meant drinking out in the streets waving at every car passing by, whose drivers of course were honking their horns furiously in celebration. It was an amazing atmosphere. Every man, woman and child was smiling. Even those who would treat such sporting exploits with disdain couldn’t help but join in the fun.

After that dramatic day in Genoa, Jackie’s army could do no wrong in our eyes. Faced with a quarterfinal with the host nation Italy, I think we all knew there was a good chance our run was over, and sure enough, we succumbed to a goal from another unsung hero, “Toto” Schillaci.

The Irish team came home a few days later to a welcome the country had not seen since the Pope himself had visited 11 years earlier. By taking their place among the top eight nations in the football world, these men had written themselves into Irish cultural history, and their legacy touched every player that dons the green jersey today.

As for me personally, I made a solemn vow that whatever happened I would be the fun side of the bar the next time Ireland qualified for a World Cup finals.

What about the rest of the tournament?

Well, Paul Gascoigne cried and West Germany beat Argentina in the final by virtue of a controversial penalty. That was about it really, and I actually had to look up that latter bit of information to be sure.

Next week – USA ’94 : MAKING SOCCER HISTORY?

my weathergirl

2006-03-01T07:28:00.000Z

There are days the sun is shining
When I leave bales of hay unmade
And all the places I go hiding
Are forever bathed in shade

But when I see half empty cups
And need someone to spin me round
I know she’s there to pick me up
And turn my climate upside down

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
When I make weather heavy
She makes it lighter

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
The saviour of my rainy days
She makes them brighter

Now when the days are clear with blue skies
You can bet that I’ll find rain
Cos of the space between my two eyes
And the recesses of my brain

She'll crawl right in and drag me out
Cos she knows where my soul resides
She'll lead me back through all the doubt
A full moon to control my tides

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
When I make weather heavy
She makes it lighter

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
The saviour of my rainy days
She makes them brighter

Give me rosy glasses
I’ll look for thorns
Give me choirs of angels
I’ll look for horns
But give me a thousand words
That make me sad
It only takes her four
To make it all seem not so bad…

It’s gonna be alright
It’s gonna be alright

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
When I make weather heavy
She makes it lighter

She’s my weathergirl
She’s my weathergirl
The saviour of my rainy days
She makes them brighter

© JL Pagano 2006

click here for a full index of my poetry and song lyrics

a very important call

2006-02-27T18:56:00.000Z

This is a true story, so true it happened fifteen minutes ago.

*dial number*

Ditz #1 : Hello, Wagon Trail Bank here, my name is Autumn, how can I help you?

JLP : Hi, Autumn, I would like to make an enquiry about closing some accounts?

Ditz #1 : Uh-huh?

JLP : Yes, I'm calling on behalf of my grandparents. They have had accounts with your bank for over forty years, but they moved to Ireland twenty-eight years ago. I am actually calling you long distance right now from Ireland. My grandfather passed away over a year ago and now my grandmother would like to close her accounts with you. I would just like to know what we need to do to get this done. [for future reference this is the "explanation speech"]

Ditz #1 : Uh-huh?

JLP : So...what do we need to do?

Ditz #1 : Let me put you through to a banker.

JLP : Ah, ok, thanks Autumn.

*click*

JLP : [under breath] How silly of me to think you were a banker yourself!

*click*

Ditz #2 : Hello, my name is Girlie, how may I help you?

JLP : Hello Girlie...[explanation speech follows]

Ditz #2 : In order to close an account, she will have to come into our branch in person.

JLP : Um, yes, well like I said, we are in Ireland, and I might also add that she is 96 years old.

Ditz #2 : Well, I'm afraid then that is a problem because we can only close an account in person.

JLP : Would she have been advised of that when they informed you that they were moving away?

Ditz #2 : I'm sorry sir?

JLP : So basically you are telling me there is nothing she can do if she can't get on a plane and fly 6000 miles, which incidentally will probably cost her the sum of money she has left in her account.

Ditz #2 : Unfortunately, that is the case, sir.

JLP : And there is nothing else we can do.

Ditz #2 : Well you could call our Customer Service line...

JLP : Ah, ok, well at least that is something...

Ditz #2 : But I can almost guarantee sir that there will be nothing they can do for you.

JLP : Well, I think I will try anyway, may I have their number please?

Ditz #2 : It's a toll-free number, and it is 1-800-ROB-BERY [number may not be precise]

JLP : Thank you so much Girlie for all your help.

Ditz #2 : You have a nice day, sir.

*hang up, dial new number*

Recording : This call is not toll-free outside the United States. If you do not wish to pay for this call, please hang up now.

Another recording : Thank you for calling Wagon Trail Bank Customer Service. Please wait for our next available operator. You call is very important to us. [this message repeated five times in total]

Ditz #3 : Hello my name is Lucita, how may I help you?

JLP : Hi Lucita...[explanation speech] ... and I called the branch where they opened the account and they said there was nothing my grandmother could do.

Ditz #3 : Well there is something she can do.

JLP : There is?

Ditz #3 : Yes, there is. She can send a letter to our Account Closing department.

JLP : Oh, ok, well we already sent such a letter to the branch, it was about three weeks ago, that's kind of why I'm calling.

Ditz #3 : They would have disregarded that letter, sir, they do not deal with closing accounts.

JLP : And they couldn't just forward it onto the Account Closing department?

Ditz #3 : No, sir.

JLP : Right, well then, can I have the address please?

Ditz #3 : No, sir, I'm afraid I can only give that information to the account holder.

JLP : But she won't understand...can I be on the line as well?

Ditz #3 : I'm afraid not, sir.

JLP : But...ok, wait, hang on.

[there then follows five minutes of absolute calamity as I try to explain to my grandmother that she needs to talk to the lady, let her call out the address, while I mute the other line and write it down.]

JLP : OK, it's me again, we now have the address, thank you.

Ditz #3 : That's great sir, is there anything else I can help you with?

JLP : Well I do have one general query...

Ditz #3 : yes, sir?

JLP : You never asked my grandmother for her account number. So in other words, the information you just gave out REALLY could be given out to just anybody, is that right?

Ditz #3 : I'm sorry, sir?

JLP : That's ok, I forgive you. Good day!

*hang up*

JLP : [SINGING TO PHONE] There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole...

bitesize bullets

2006-02-27T07:08:00.000Z

TEN TOPICS…
NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
ONE MAN’S OPINIONS…
FIFTY WORD LIMIT ON EACH…
I RECKON A CAPULET FIRED THE FIRST SHOT…

• HEADING? : This week’s guest language for Yahoo’s translator tool is of course Chinese (traditional). When you run it back through into English it comes out : “One tolerates with the strange shag by JL Pagano”. I reckon I’d tolerate it, depending on how strange though…

• TUNES : A bit of eighties Britpop nostaliga for me in the car lately – I’ve had the greatest hits of Lloyd Cole and the Commotions in the tape deck reminding me of classics like “Brand New Friend” and “Are You Ready To Be Heartbroken?”.

• STATWATCH : For the first time since I began my obsession with blog stats last May, it seems my Irish site will receive more hits than ABOPATOS for a calendar month [Feb ‘06], and it also recently passed the 6,000 hit milestone.

• SIDEWAYS : I saw this DVD last week and I must admit I was pleasantly surprised. It was not all about winetasting as I feared and actually had quite a compelling story with interesting twists. Well worth a rental if you ask me. Thelma & Louise for blokes.

• CREATIVITY : I penned a new song last week, all about my fiancée Sandra. I won’t lie, I’m a bit nervous about posting it, cos it’s a wee bit mushy! I’ll let it loose on Wednesday nonetheless – it’s called “My Weathergirl”.

• BEAD : Speaking of songs, I’d like to give a plug to my mate Dave Dwyer, aka “Bead”, who is a singer/songwriter himself, and he has just started his own myspace site – check it out for a free listen to some of his stuff.

• BUSHBASHING : This week’s swipe at the NeoCons is brilliantly executed by this link – check it out and make sure you have your sound switched on. Thanks to Gavin’s Blog for the heads up.

• LIBERALBASHING : In the spirit of fair play, I’m allowing one of Dubya’s supporters to bash back this week, courtesy of my blogger buddy James Shott. I never thought a joke involving the Pope and the President could be clean, poke fun at my values, AND be funny. This has it all.

• PADDY : Just to keep the chuckle theme going, check out this post from Curly K over at That Friday Feeling, where it seems that Ireland have declared war on the French.

• GOOGLING : Latest phrases to lead people here include …

“rugby poem funeral”

“fixing ticking radiators”

“shag till you can’t stand”

“chomping at the bit” *

“the shoot out between the capulets and the montagues at the petrol station” *

I hope they all found what they were looking for.

StatWatch and Google phrases of the week courtesy of StatCounter.com

* = from my Irish Blog

sprechen sie fußball?

2006-02-24T07:03:00.000Z

15 weeks to the start of the World Cup Finals 2006 in Germany, and I feel duty bound to spread the word about the planet’s most popular sport’s biggest festival, so I will post every Friday until after the tournament is over.

This week I relive what experience I had of the 1986 finals in Mexico.

THE FINALS THAT GOT AWAY

English soccer fans talk about this moment more than they do about 1966 when they actually won the World Cup!

A lot changed for me in the four years that passed between the World Cups of 1982 and 1986. I think they call it puberty.

I went from a nerdy kid in his early teens to a nerdy horny kid in his late teens.

Given that, I could hardly pass up the opportunity of travelling from living with my grandparents here in Dublin to go stay with my mother in San Francisco for nine long weeks of the summer of ’86. I knew staying with her would offer me a sense of independence that I badly needed. By independence, of course, I meant that I was sure I was going to be able to stay out every night drinking and getting laid.

Well, whether I succeeded or not in that quest may make for a more interesting story, but it has no place here. I also travelled with the assumption that I would not miss a moment of the World Cup finals, I mean, for crying out loud, since they were being held in Mexico, I was actually going to be nearer to them than I was in Dublin!

As a point of information, these finals were originally meant to be staged in Colombia, who turned out to be either too poor or too run by drug barons to host the event.

My mother, who is known for her hatred of television, was under strict instructions to have a set in her apartment ready for me to watch the football. Well, she managed to beg, borrow and steal a set from somewhere, and I was supposed to be grateful that it was a colour one at that.

Too bad she didn’t realise you also needed a thing called a “cable box”. When I got there and tried all the channels to see if one was showing the opening game, I was quickly disappointed. She offered to get one of her friends to try and both obtain and hook up the right equipment, but at the age of 17 I was aware enough of my “spoiled-only-child-raised-by-his-grandparents” profile to be too proud to want any kind of special treatment. With that, I told my mother to forget the whole thing, and resigned myself to missing the entire tournament.

Such was the apathy the mainstream American media had towards football back then that for the whole month the sport’s main event was taking place, I did not hear one word about what was going on, save for a couple of column inches in the San Francisco Chronicle. I did hear a lot about a sensational rookie first baseman for the Oakland A’s called Mark McGwire, however.

Though it was a royal pain in the ass, not to mention unbelievable that my nation of birth did not embrace the beautiful game, I managed to have myself an enjoyable summer all round, even if I never did get laid.

One weekend, when I was staying at my Uncle’s house out in the “sticks”, I was on my own as everyone was out running various errands. Although clouds are considered UFOs in that neighbourhood, and it would seem to make more sense to go outside, I was always one to see what was on TV first before I did so.

My uncle DID have a cable box, so I flicked around the channels. To my amazement, I found a game between Argentina and West Germany, though the commentary was in Spanish. After about five minutes, I worked out that it could not be a live transmission as I had first hoped [it would have been two weeks AFTER the final – yes, it’s true, I still hadn’t learned who had won the damn thing].

In those days you still didn’t have the time and score conveniently placed at the top corner of the screen for you, so I was at the mercy of the Mexican TV director to inform me that it was early in the second half, and Argentina were winning 2-0. Just my luck, I thought, even though I do get to see some action without knowing the outcome after all, it seems to be over as a contest.

Well, with a bit of luck, the two finalists managed to turn the game into arguably the most exciting final ever, with the Germans surging back to make the score 2-2 before the Argentinians took the lead for good once more which led to a rollercoaster of emotions from the two sets of fans. It didn’t matter that the commentary was in Spanish – the only word you needed to understand was “GOOOOOOOALLL!!!”

And so I felt I had least tasted some of the excitement of Mexico ’86 as I watched the new world superstar Diego Maradona lift the trophy with his team-mates and celebrate. When I was to eventually return home to Dublin, however, I was to learn that this was not the only game to produce drama by any stretch of the imagination.

The English club season was well under way by the time I got back, but all the talk in the news media was not about how the great teams of the day such as Liverpool and Arsenal and the like were doing. Seemingly all of the Queen’s subjects had converted to religion, since their favourite three words had become “The Hand of God”.

Once again the Republic Of Ireland had failed to reach the finals – I knew that much before I left. Of the “home” nations, three had made it, precisely the same three that had done so in ’82 – England, Scotland, and plucky Northern Ireland. Sadly, the latter two had dismal first round campaigns in Mexico. It was left to the English to keep the home fires burning in the second phase.

Now that the sport’s governing body FIFA had the new “penalty shoot-out” method of deciding tied contests at their disposal, they decided to make the competition a “knock-out” one after the first round groups were completed. And so, 24 was whittled down to 16, and from then on it was sudden-death.

England were shaky at first, but after their 3-0 over Paraguay, they felt as confident as any that they had a chance to go all the way. Enter one Diego Maradona.

See the picture at the beginning of this piece? That’s Diego, jumping for a high ball with England keeper Peter Shilton in the quarterfinal. A split second after that historic picture was taken, Shilton was picking the ball up out of his own net with complete disbelief, as the goal had been allowed to stand. When Maradona was quizzed about it afterwards, he apparently coined one of the sport’s most famous phrases which suggested divine intervention.

Well if we thought English fans were a pain in the arse whenever they won something, we were to discover that they’re even worse when they feel they lost in questionable circumstances. They still bitch and moan about that bloody hand of God even today, twenty years later. Not even the fact that Maradona went on the score a dazzling solo goal with a run from inside his own half that beat virtually everyone in an England jersey keeps them quiet – they would tell you they should not have been 1-0 down in the first place.

As always, the competition had its interesting sub-plots, such as Denmark seeming invincible in the first round, scoring nine goals and winning all three of their games, only to get hammered 5-1 by the Spaniards in the next phase. Then there was Morocco, who furthered the cause of increased African participation by actually winning their group which included both England and Portugal, and only allowing the Germans to edge them 1-0.

Honourable mention should also go to the French, who managed to conquer the reigning champions Italy in the last 16. Finally there was Belgium – who seem to sneak unnoticed past everyone into the semi-finals only to succumb to yet more Maradona magic.

Looking back I suppose you would have to say that it appeared to be destiny that Argentina would lift their second World Cup, just as it was destiny for me to miss the all the action as it happened.

I was determined that no matter what the attraction of travelling abroad in 1990, I was going to be near a television that was showing the World Cup that summer. My wish was to be granted, but nowhere near the way I thought it would be.

Next week – ITALIA ’90 : How Olé Became an Irish Word

like a hole in the head

2006-02-22T11:27:00.000Z

"Um, before your next shot I should warn you that the phrase 'double top' refers to an area of the actual dartboard itself..."

Ah, how I've missed delving into Ananova's "Quirky" files. They can forever be relied upon for inspiration when it appears you have nothing to post about.

This time, it appears our friends over in Holland are having a spot of bother with their aim...

Dutch danger of darts

Holland may introduce new rules after it was revealed at least 120 people are injured playing darts in pubs each year.

Of those, at least 12 people end up in accident and emergency with a dart in their eye, reported the Dutch Consumer Safety Council.

Other injuries include concussion caused by falling dart boards.

Measures now being considered include roping off whole areas in front of darts boards and modified darts.

The game is hugely popular in the Netherlands with the current world champion, Jelle Klaase, hailing from Alphen in central Holland.

I reckon just one blanket rule would solve this problem ...

"Do not either play or watch darts while stoned."

Come to think of it, considering where it is, maybe they should just ban the game altogether...