Wednesday, April 05, 2006

my own personal d-day



One thing is for sure – Tuesday April 25th, 2006 is going to be my D-day.

All I need to work out is - what does the “D” stand for?

I suppose the obvious answer is “divorce”. It is just over six years since I first realised that my marriage was well and truly doomed, and that date in April is when I finally get a judge to seal the deal.

The more I think about it, however, the more I realise there are other d-words worth considering.

First, there is “delight”. Some of my friends think I am mad to get married again, though that is only because they have not had the chance to see Sandra and me together that much over the years.

But if THEY think I’M mad, imagine how her friends felt when she first told them she was seeing a separated man with two kids! My delight comes from the fact that on April 25th I can once and for all show to her my ties to MyX have been broken for good.

It hasn’t all been plain sailing, however, and the “D” could very well stand for “depression”. Though being around Sandra and my kids does nothing but fill me with confidence, I realise now that when on my own for the past six years, I have spent a lot of time blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong in my life up now. It was a vicious cycle of self-pity that was hard to break free from, and it meant my life was stuck in neutral and I could see no way of moving on.

Of course when I was feeling low on self-esteem, I needed something to keep me occupied in order to prevent me from going round the bend so that nobody could tell what was going on, and this lead to another “D” – “distraction”. You are currently reading what eventually became my biggest source of this over the past year and a half – setting myself goals and deadlines on my blog went a long way to help me fool myself that I was doing something meaningful with my life when in reality I needed a kick up the arse to get over myself and get on with things.

Then there’s “denial”. Out of the depression and the need for distraction came a wave of anger towards my mother which became something of an obsession with me. Not long after my grandfather passed away, I allowed myself to be consumed with rage over my history with her. Though much it was justified, I see now that my real target was myself. I even wrote a song which I thought was all about her but the more I read it back, the more I see that applies to me just as much if not more so.

I cannot forget all the “despair” either. Although much of my plight was of my own doing, it was helped along by several factors which were out of my control, for example…

• Finding a note from my daughter where she is asking God to make sure her mother and I get back together.

• My grandfather passing away in care, and all the guilt that went with it that I could have done more for him in his final days.

• Knowing that for all the care I was giving my grandmother, I would eventually have to find her alternative accommodation, and the prospect of a move would be terrifying for her, no matter how suitable the new arrangement may be.

• Being constantly knocked back in my quest to sort out the legal framework of the divorce. Since there was no contest from the other side, I decided to go through the process myself, and although those at “DIY Divorce” have been extremely helpful throughout, a combination of procrastination, presumption that everything would go wrong, and things actually going wrong got me to a stage whereby it was touch and go whether or not I would get a divorce date in time to obtain a license for my wedding in August.

For a while there, you would be forgiven for thinking the “D” was for “desperation”. After I lost my job in the sports store and was driven inward emotionally, Sandra and I spilt up for a while and I started smoking hash round the clock and meeting women from internet chatrooms who were not right for me at all. I really and truly believed this was my only chance of meeting people, my confidence was that low.

Now, in spite of the depression, the distraction, the denial, the despair and the desperation, I have finally gotten myself to the point where I am on the brink of moving my grandmother to suitable surroundings, I have a date for my divorce hearing, I have all but patched things up with my mother, I seem to have come to terms with my grandfather’s death, and plans are falling into place for my wedding which fills me with nothing but hope for the future.

For once, I can actually see my glass as half full.

Maybe the real meaning of the “D” is “destiny”.

5 comments:

Ms Ann Thrope said...

D could also be for dawn, as in of a new phase in your life. You've been through a lot over the past while but one thing I've learned is that rough patches end, and you come out the other end much stronger. Good for you.
I'm still getting used to saying this to people, but congratulations on your divorce! Hallmark should make cards for such occasions.

Omaniblog said...

Wow. Some rollercoaster. You've had a lot on. What a great thing it is to move on and put down many of the things that have clung to you.
This is such a celebratory post, it warms me up.
I hope you have a wonderful run up to your wedding which will be dynamic.

Who says men can't talk about their feelings...

Congrats.

plurabella said...

Well done JL, you got through and can look back and see what you've achieved. I wonder if the blog thing did in some way help you to focus and do some self-evaluation, personal exploring.

Congratulations and a big hug []

Paige A Harrison said...

You'll know from your stat counter that I only occasionally read this blog preferring instead ... agh, sure you know yerself.

I'm sorry to say I'd know idea any of the rollercoaster you've been on. Delighted that you are on the upward run again.

D is also for the devastatingly beautiful, witty and enjoyable blogs you post. You are the blogger I aspire to be.

And D is for the difference you make to Blogosphere with your positive encouragement of our efforts.
Paige

hermione2001ie said...

Ouch.