Friday, May 20, 2005

stories worth a thousand words #16

A WARTS ‘N ALL AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF AN ORDINARY GUY

1000 WORDS ON…INSOMNIA QUESTIONS
Written: December 5, 2004

1. Why do we call it “common sense” if so many people don’t seem to have it?

2. We were once absolutely convinced that the world was flat – what else that we take for granted is complete crap?

3. If the author didn’t really care whether or not Jimmy cracked corn, then why did he write a song about it?

4. Does the fridge light really stay switched off when the door gets closed?

5. What is it that makes us want to touch a plate in a restaurant immediately after we’ve been told it’s very hot?

6. If someone did find a cure for the common cold, would companies that make remedies prevent them from sharing it with the world?

7. Which is more believable – that the universe carries on for ever or that there exists an end to it?

8. If the very word “nation” implies the presence of borders and thus the existence of divisions between different groups of people, how can an organization call itself “The United Nations” and expect to be effective?

9. How do animals and small babies know to look us in the eye?

10. Is there any human alive that claims to have witnessed Adolf Hitler doing a good deed?

11. Who do people think they’re impressing when they answer the phone by saying “yellow” instead of “hello”?

12. Since we all know that so many people cheat on their taxes and that so many transactions are on the “black market” that can’t be accounted for, how can we possibly take any official economic figures seriously?

13. Is the reason soccer is so unpopular in America REALLY that it’s “boring” as so many claim or is it actually because they’re not best in the world at it and they don’t like seeing their guys lose?

14. Is there any sentence that could be put on a piece of paper that could be endorsed and subsequently signed by leaders representing every single human being alive on the planet?

15. Who decided which way was north and which was south and why?

16. Assuming noone will ever run 100 meters in 0 seconds, just how low is the world record going to get before it becomes impossible to break?

17. Why do I waste so much time lamenting the fact that the world doesn’t understand me, when it’s far more likely to be the other way round?

18. If the oil companies all know that there is a finite supply of their product, then what’s their back-up plan?

19. How on earth can we produce ads which can persuade people to spend their money on things like cola and sportswear yet nobody seems to be able to make a memorable advert for a “charitable organization”?

20. If someone discovered a drug that gave us instant orgasms that was cheap and had no adverse side effects, would it guarantee the end of the human race?

21. Would everyone who claims to be in favour of capital punishment be willing to actually flick the switch or release the gas themselves?

22. Is it really that important for all spelling and grammar to be correct?

23. Exactly what is the benefit of having your seatbelt fastened in an airplane other than to ensure everyone is in their seat?

24. How can a candidate be considered to have been democratically elected to a position when more than half of the votes were cast against them?

25. Why do we call it “charity” when it’s more like a duty?

26. How many spectators of professional wrestling believe the participants are actually competing?

27. How can something with the name “Reality TV” be so popular all over the world when the very fact that all the contestants know they are being filmed must prove it’s anything but reality?

28. How on earth did they discover popcorn?

29. How can a group of people who claim to be “pro-life” only be prepared to discuss abortion?

30. Kennedy, Reagan and Pope John Paul II were all shot shortly after visits to Ireland – coincidence?

31. Why can’t people be “shevelled” or “gruntled” or “kempt”?

32. If they drive on the left in South Africa but on the right in neighbouring countries, what happens at the borders?

33. Why do transport companies refer to their customers as “passengers”?

34. Will anyone ever be bothered to read this chapter?

35. If someone does read the chapter and actually knows the answer to any of these questions, would they take the time to email it to jlpagano@eircom.net?

36. What exactly is it that makes me feel happy/sad whenever my soccer team wins/loses when there is absolutely nothing I can do about it?

37. If something can be “feasible”, how exactly does one feas?

38. Why did so many people laugh when Rodney King asked “Can’t we all just get along”?

39. Do drivers who take incredible risks to overtake you actually realise they can’t possibly have cut their journey shorter by more than a minute by doing so?

40. Instead of pondering whether the glass is half full or half empty, why doesn’t someone just drink it?

41. Dreams – what the hell are they all about?

42. Attending operas – do people do it for the experience or to say they went?

43. Surely even national lotteries have to be rigged to some degree?

44. Does the fact that so many people like judges, solicitors, policemen and such earn their living from others breaking the law mean a complete and permanent end to all crime would not be an ideal occurrence for everyone?

45. How can a “force” be said to be “peacekeeping”?

46. Exactly how many people would a weapon have to kill for it to be considered one of “mass destruction” and would one that killed that number minus one be ok?

47. What the bloody hell is really going on???

48. What final question can I ask to make this chapter exactly 1000 words?

© JL Pagano 2004

NEXT, #17 : 1000 WORDS ON…LIVE AID

4 comments:

fairygirl701 said...

Wow! very interesting & thought provoking. If somebody does send you the answers you'll have to share!

Buffalo said...

I can answer every one of your questions, grasshopper.

Mike Todd said...

I had answers for all the questions, but Blogger lost them all when I tried to post. All I can tell you is that lime jello had barely anything to do with most of them.

Gaye said...

When a doctor removes the lead wart, why do the rest of them disappear on their own a short time after?